The Expiration Malfunction
by SilverHawk92
Summary: The gang must evacuate their respective apartments in Pasadena when a malicious virus breaks loose.
1. Chapter 1

**The Big Bang Theory**

"**The Expiration Malfunction"**

**SilverHawk92 **

**10.31.12**

**1:00 AM**

**Happy Halloween!**

_- Alvin is Howard's long lost brother; a man whose demeanor is awkward. He would be portrayed by Paulo Costanzo. -_

_- Claire is a nurse; a kind woman with connections to Penny. She would be portrayed by Patricia Arquette. -_

x-x-x

(Leonard knocks four times on Penny's door. There is a three second pause before the door is opened...)

Penny (smiling): Hey, Leonard.

Leonard: Penny, we need to talk. (enters apartment)

Penny (flustered): Oh, okay, uh...come on in. (closes the door and sits next to him on the couch)

Leonard: Look, we've been dating for almost five years now. And...Penny, I...I've been thinking, maybe it's time we, you know, settled down.

Penny: I am settled. You're the one all riled up. Wine?

Leonard: No, thanks. I just...I think...I mean, what I'm saying is...(pauses for two seconds)...Penny, I asked this once before and I didn't do it right and I'm sorry but...(kneels down, displaying a ring)...I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So I need to ask again. Will you marry me?

Penny: Wh-This again?

Leonard: Well, yes, but in my defense I'd never cheat on you. That's why I'm asking now.

(Penny cocks an eyebrow)

Leonard (inhaling): If you say no...we can't be together.

Penny: Seriously? You're going to throw away a smutty relationship because I won't marry you?

Leonard: You won't.

Penny: No. I-I can't. I'm not ready, and...

Leonard (getting up): And when you have kids, you don't want them to be short, geeky and lactose-interolant.

(4 second silence before Sheldon's infamous knock sounds on the other side of the door. Penny hurries to open it, eager to escape the tension; however it follows her right to the door...)

Sheldon (in the front of the line of the rest of the gang): I've got big news. (everyone bustles inside Penny's apartment. Looking frustrated, Penny wordlessly closes the door and sits beside Howard, who now sits beside Leonard. Sheldon approaches Raj, who sits on a chair near the kitchen) You're in my spot.

(Raj glares)

Sheldon: Move please.

Raj: Screw you and your damn spot. I sat here first.

Leonard (barely sparing him a glance): Raj...

Raj: No, you know what? I'm tired of playing this game with him. He's a grown man! (looks at Sheldon) I'm not moving, dude.

(2 second pause)

Sheldon (whisper): Fine. (looks around, all seats are taken)

Amy (standing): Take my seat.

Sheldon: Oh! Why, how very generous of you, Amy. (sits; and then stiffens as Amy promptly sits in his lap) Oh dear.

(Penny laughs)

Amy (flirtatiously): Now tell us the news. I'm...bursting with anticipation.

Sheldon (shakily trying to relax): Alright...(takes 3 seconds before giving up) Howard was designing an efficient state-of-the-art tank when he got the message, and he instantly PM'ed me. It seems he has a long-lost brother with whom we are to meet tomorrow.

(3 second pause)

Penny: What? Really?

Howard (trying to impersonate a gangster): This guy don't joke, babe, never.

Penny: Right...I tried to forget how alienated this planet's gotten.

Sheldon: That's kind of a strong thesis, considering Earth has been alienated since time began; but your premise is inarguable.

(Penny raises her eyebrows)

Amy (to Penny): Isn't he sexy?

(theme song plays)

Leonard (after Penny shows the others to the door): I can't believe Howard has a brother!

Penny: Is that really what you want to talk about?

Leonard (falteringly): No.

Penny: Look, Leonard, you're a sweet guy; and I'll never forget the times we had. But - look, I've been thinking awhile now, and I realized something about myself. I-I don't want a commitment. To anyone.

Leonard: So...you're going to - what? - sleep around?

Penny: No.

(Leonard waits expectantly)

Penny (handing Leonard a folded piece of paper): I had an audition for a movie called Rock Bottom. I got the part; I'm moving to Calgary. And science and show biz...They just don't mix.

Leonard: Oh...Well, congratulations!

Penny: Y-you're not mad?

Leonard: No, no...I mean, face it, I was going to break up with you anyway. I'm glad you got the part, way to go. (hugs her awkwardly)

Penny: Leonard?

Leonard: Yeah. (releases her)

Penny: If you...ever...decide to watch Rock Bottom, just...keep in mind I'm an actress. It's all fake.

Leonard: I know.

Penny (softly): Okay.

Leonard: I'll...miss you.

Penny: Yeah, you too. (walks Leonard to the door. Leonard stops and hesitates for 3 seconds before turning to face her. They look at each other for 2 silent seconds before he kisses her cheek and leaves. Penny quietly closes the door. Scene fades into next; in which Leonard returns to his shared apartment with Sheldon. He is sitting in his spot, reading. He doesn't even flinch when Leonard closes the door; but he does speak...)

Sheldon: Oh, wonderful. Heavy feet, slamming doors, awkward silence - your girlfriend's moving.

Leonard: I didn't...slam it.

Sheldon: Leonard, I'm lost in the wonderful vintage world of Star Trek and even though I can practically hear them speaking...(he glances up)...That door was louder than a thousand mines crashing into the Starship.

(Leonard stares wordlessly at him)

Sheldon (deadpan): Bazinga.

(3 second silence before Sheldon gives Leonard his eerie smile)

Leonard (deadpan): Amy's going with her.

Sheldon (jerking unsteadily to his feet): What?!

Leonard (deadpan): Bazinga.

Sheldon (after sighing dramatically): Don't do that!

Leonard: Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?

Sheldon: It felt like a prostate exam.

Leonard: This is so frustrating! I want to marry her, but I end up breaking up with her instead. (forcefully takes the paper from his pocket, crunches it up into a ball and chucks it into the wicker wastebasket. Then he sighs, realizing what he's done, and drops to his knees in front of the wastebasket) I wasn't even going to propose again! I was going to ask if she wanted to go steady with me, but it slipped out. And now, thanks to my big mouth, she's moving to Canada!

Sheldon (peering down at him): And this is a big deal?

Leonard (sitting on his knees emptyhanded): Well obviously.

Sheldon (as Leonard keeps digging through the contents): So throw her a goodbye party.

Leonard (peering up at him through the weaves): That's brilliant.

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(Sheldon knocks on the Wolowitz' front door. Howard opens it without any yelling)

Howard (confused): It's nine-thirty in the morning. You never come here at nine-thirty in the morning.

Sheldon: I know; Leonard made me his messenger and the assignment with which he burdened me was to ask if your brother was interested in masquerading as someone who gave a damn about Leonard's relationship with Penny coming to a gruesome inevitable end and if he would be so inclined as to perhaps attend his going-away party and bring some rations.

Howard: And you couldn't have texted?

Sheldon: My cell phone is out of minutes.

Howard: Well then you could've phoned.

Sheldon: Nope, cable's down for repairs.

Howard: What happened to it?

Sheldon: One of the wires had a short in it.

Howard: I would've fixed it for free. I am an engineer.

Sheldon: Yes, but I needed a handyman.

Howard: It's similar to a handyman.

Sheldon: Don't flatter yourself.

Howard: You're kidding, right? I have a doctorate at thirty-three, I've gone up in space, I'm married to a sexy microbiologist - and you think calling myself a handyman would be a boost to my ego?

Sheldon: It wouldn't be surprising. Frankly if I wore my hair in such a duck-butt style; I'd want an ego boost as well.

Howard (sneering in mockery): Whatever. We'll bring the food.

Sheldon: Well then my job is done. (calls back to Howard as he walks away) Three hours, Leonard's and my apartment.

Howard (making Sheldon turn around): Three hours?

Sheldon: Yes.

Howard: I still have to pick him up at the airport!

Sheldon: He should've chosen an earlier flight.

Howard: Sheldon!

Sheldon: Oh, alright, I'll see if they're okay to wait another hour.

Howard (sarcastically): Oh, good, another hour! That's sure to help!

Sheldon: Sarcasm?

Howard (sarcastically): Of course it isn't.

Sheldon: Alright then. (turns to walk away)

Howard: Sheldon, I was kidding.

Sheldon (turning to face him): You boggle my mind, Wolowitz. You deride me constantly for not laughing at your humorless jokes; yet you would take instant offense if I were to inform you of your incapability to stop making them.

Howard: What can I say, I'm the funny man. The...comedian of the group.

Sheldon: Yes. Yes, I can fully believe, Howard, that everybody laughs at you. (leaves)

Howard (reaching for the doorknob): Son of a mother - (door closes)

(commercial break would be here)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(There are four brief knocks on Penny's door, following which is a brief silence before she opens it)

Leonard (staring instantly past Penny's shoulder): Wow, I didn't realize your apartment was as big as mine.

Penny (laughing, walking to a box marked BEDROOM): Oh, come on, Leonard, it's not like I'm a pack rat.

Leonard: Not anymore, now you're...a...box dog.

(Penny keeps laughing)

Leonard: So - listen, I was thinking maybe you could...swing by my place and...y'know, have a keepsake of mine. Y'know, to...remember me.

Penny: It'll be kind of hard to forget the man who proposed to me twice.

Leonard: Will you try to forget?

Penny (quickly): No! (calms voice) Um, sure, I'll come by.

Leonard: Okay, great! Okay, that is...so great. (awkward pause) Do you need some help packing?

Penny (dropping a book into a box): No, I think that's everything, thanks.

(Awkward four-second silence)

Leonard (nervously, heading for the door): Okay, so - see ya.

Penny: Yep.

(door closes; next scene shows Leonard hastily heading for the apartment he shares with Sheldon; and as he stops in front of the keys, Sheldon is seen walking up the stairs)

Leonard: Hey.

(The two roommates enter their apartment. Leonard walks ahead while Sheldon locks up)

Leonard: Okay, I suppose there's nothing left to do but set up for the party.

Sheldon: Yes, and we have three glorious hours. I'd best be savoring them. (turns on the stereo and the Star Trek Voyager theme fills the air. Leonard drags a chair into the kitchen, rips open a box of streamers, and stands on the chair. Sheldon, looking severely troubled, gives the evil eye to a packet of balloons, and then picks it up. Before he can do anything, there is an uncountable, steady explosion of hurried knocks on the door)

Leonard (hopping off the chair): Oh, good, something less strenuous.

(Sheldon barks a short, insincere laugh as Leonard opens the door)

Leonard (taking in a bloody sight): Raj! What happened?

Raj (frantically): I-I don't know! But I really need to use the shower.

Leonard: Yeah, go. (as Raj bursts past him, grabs a beer from the fridge, and hurries for the bathroom; Leonard begins closing the door but Priya's appearance startles him, as she is bent over, sweating, breathless and packing a gun) What the hell are you doing! You can't pack heat in here!

Priya: Now's not the time for lectures.

Leonard: What're you saying?

Priya: I'm saying, there's some kind of weird epidemic going on and this is what saved him from it.

Leonard: Him being Raj?

Priya: Yes.

Leonard: Okay, but...God damn it, hide that thing.

Penny (coming outside of her apartment): What's going on? (takes sight of Priya's gun) Ohh shit.

Priya: Relax, waitress, I practice law. I know how to use a gun, and I won't hesitate.

Penny: Yeah, that's what makes me question your humanity.

Priya: Humanity doesn't have anything to do with it! Not anymore - not with what I saw. (lifts up shirt; revealing a belt with seven guns hanging off it) I took as many as I could. You all get one. Fully loaded. Turn off the safety and keep your eyes open.

Penny: What're you talking about?

(2 second pause)

Priya: I don't know.

(next scene shows Penny handling her gun with an evil smile. Beside her, Sheldon is holding his gun with two hands as if it contains poison)

Sheldon: Oh, why oh why am I constantly subjected to folly?

Leonard (taking out his phone): I better call Howard.

Penny (observing the kitchen): What's with the decorations?

Leonard (turning red in the face): We were trying to set up a going-away party for you. But the...roof is too high for me to do streamers...

Penny (squeezing Sheldon's arm): Oh...It's really the thought that counts.

Priya: On the plus side, at least the streamers cover up the paint chip over the sink.

(Leonard finishes dialing and holds the phone to his ear. A scary recording of Jack Nicholson's laugh from Anger Management floats eerily up the stairwell. After almost twenty seconds of the gang, listening to the heartfelt laugh in silence and trying to remain serious; Howard rounds the corner, entering the apartment as the quote, "I'm wettin' my jockeys here", sounds from his pocket. Closely following Howard are Bernadette, Amy; and a fellow nerd)

Howard (as the laugh ringtone fades): Everyone, this is my brother Alvin.

Everyone: Hello Alvin.

Alvin: Oh, surround sound! (pauses awkwardly) Um, forgive me, what I meant to say was - uh - hello.

Leonard (quietly, to Howard): Why didn't you answer? It was important.

Howard: About the zombies? Yeah, I kind of figured it would be. Plus I wanted to hear the ringtone.

Leonard: Hmm...Yeah, I get that.

(both laugh)

Penny (pulling Leonard aside): Screw the party, screw Calgary. Clearly I'm not going anywhere.

Leonard: Don't give up on your dream! It's probably a...a cruel joke! (Penny stares) Or...or a nightmare.

Penny: Leonard, when a woman who practices law shows up with guns lacing her belt, the joke's over. And I have a bad feeling that we're all awake. (she walks past him)

Amy: Hi, bestie.

Penny: I never thought I'd be happy to hear that.

Amy: I hope I'm not intruding on anything if I borrow you for five minutes.

Penny (suspiciously): What exactly are we doing?

Amy: Talking. In private.

Penny: Okay, um...Let's go to Leonard's room.

(Amy follows Penny down the hall. Next scene shows Penny closing the door while Amy sits on Leonard's bed)

Amy: I'm very uncomfortable in here.

Penny: I would've said Sheldon's room; but he wouldn't even like you being in there. (sits on Amy's bed) So what's up? You're not, like, coming out of the closet, are you?

Amy: No, nothing like that. But it is a confession.

(awkward 3 second pause)

Amy: Well, in the movies, a zombie is a shell of a person that once functioned like we do. Its brain is mostly mush and all it knows is hunger. It's a disease in the brain. (Penny nods) And...well, I'm a neurobiologist. I work with brains.

Penny: Oh, sweetie, don't worry; no one's going to judge you. Certainly no one with a gun.

Amy: But those who do judge me will be right. I...I created the virus. It was all one big accident and I don't know how it happened. But when my patient came back to life I panicked! I pulled the fire alarm and everyone vacated the building. But I didn't tell anyone until now. And...Penny, this is my fault.

Penny: So what you're saying is, that one zombie got out and...created more.

Amy: Yes.

Penny: Because of you.

Amy: Yes.

(Penny sits silently for three seconds. Then she gets up, takes three steps toward the door, and stops in her tracks; turning around at the sound of Amy's voice)

Amy: I know you're mad, I don't blame you! But don't hate me.

Penny: This could mean the death of every person on the planet, Amy!

(There is a four second silence, during which Penny holds her gun at the ready, before she finally turns and leaves the room; slamming the door shut in her departure; leaving Amy to sit alone on the bed. Next scene shows Penny hurrying down the hall and into the area where kitchen meets living room. She blindly bumps into Sheldon, who looks at her in surprise)

Sheldon: Something troubling you?

Penny: Your girlfriend. Boy, can you pick 'em!

Sheldon (giving a smile that almost looks normal on him): I can, can't I?

Leonard: What's wrong with Amy?

Penny: These stupid flesh-eaters are because of her!

Leonard: What? That's ridiculous.

Sheldon: It is, and I do not appreciate you gossiping about my girlfriend.

(Leonard, Howard and Penny stare at the man who looks patronizingly at Penny. At that moment, Raj exits the bathroom. His clothes are clean, his hair wet; and he still holds the bottle of beer)

Raj: Oh no, what happened?

Penny (looking from Sheldon to Raj): Why don't you start?

Raj (flirtatiously): What would you like to know?

Penny (rolling her eyes): The details of the attack. You had your shower, you have your beer, so talk to me.

Raj (looking overwhelmed, as he sits down on the single chair facing the door): Well, not much to say really. Priya had been dragging me all over town looking for Halloween decorations. (looks helplessly at Priya)

Priya: A cop texted me and told me to come into the police department. But he'd been turned by the time we got there. So I shot him and we stole some guns and ammunition. Not all of it. Enough.

Sheldon: Where were all the other cops?

Raj: Turned.

Priya: That's right. We locked them inside and came here.

Raj: Too bad it wasn't as easy as it sounds.

Bernadette: Not that it's of any consolation, but dealing with death never is.

Howard: When does the phrase 'dealing with death' sound easy?

Bernadette: Sorry. I just...can't believe it.

Penny (staring aggressively down the hall): Neither can I.

Howard: Yeah, well, maybe it's different for a scientist - for a guy who actually has a better future other than one with pockets filled with puke.

Penny: You don't need to be rude.

Howard: My mother was bitten an hour ago. If she isn't dying, she's already dead. So I'm really not the one being rude here. (shifts his weight as Penny looks quietly down at her feet) Now if you'll excuse me, I believe there's a neurobiologist I need to question.

Sheldon: I'm coming too!

Howard (sincerely): Oh...oh, good. Thank you.

Sheldon: Don't get cocky, I don't have a side yet. (they walk down the hall together)

Penny (to Leonard): How do you live with him?

Leonard: Believe it or not, it was the knowledge of being able to escape into a more sane world that kept me going. (sighs; then follows Sheldon and Howard down the hall as Penny puts a hand over her heart, staring after him. Howard comes back down the hall, brushing past Sheldon and Leonard without so much as a glance at them)

Bernadette: You okay?

Penny (looks at her; does a double-take and then looks back down the hall; then sighs and looks back at Bernadette): No.

(The heavy silence that follows is interrupted by an odd sound. Everyone looks over at Alvin, who is busily blowing up the balloons. Penny's eyes flit to the streamers; which have been arranged properly, stringing from one corner of the wall to the other; completing a full circle around the kitchen. Penny slowly begins to smile as Howard, peering over her left shoulder at a distance, instensely studies her)

(next scene shows Leonard sitting next to Amy; with Sheldon standing stiffly near the door)

Amy: I didn't ask you to come in, you know. Neither of you are obligated to stay.

Leonard: Why are you staying?

(Amy looks at him, her expression unchanging)

Leonard (quickly): Not that I'm complaining...It's just my room. And...you.

Amy: I'm aware. But you have to understand that the world out there is not the same. And I made it that way.

Sheldon: I'd been hoping Penny had been attempting to mislead us from her own obvious faults.

Leonard: Sheldon, I didn't speak badly about your girlfriend; and I don't want you speaking badly about mine.

Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her.

Leonard: I don't know anymore what we did.

Amy: Does it matter whether or not you broke up? I would think you'd stand up for someone you cared for, whether she's a romantic interest or not.

(3 second pause)

Sheldon: "For whom you cared".

Amy: Bite me.

Sheldon: I'd rather not.

Amy: Leave.

Sheldon: Wha-Now? With the dead risers polluting the streets?

Leonard: I'm pretty sure she just meant this room, Sheldon.

Sheldon: It's not her room, she doesn't get to say that.

Leonard: Leave.

(Sheldon leaves the bedroom; Leonard follows)

Penny (as Leonard approaches her): Wow, she didn't follow Sheldon like a trained monkey?

Leonard: Monkeys are intelligent, they take little training.

Penny: That's beside the point.

Alvin (passing by with fresh streamers): Seriously, did you just tell him what your point was not? Why not just cut to the chase and get to the point?

Sheldon (to Alvin): Are you damaged?

Howard: Sheldon, that's not nice.

Sheldon: It wasn't my intention to be. Ergo, I got to the point - oh, good Lord, now I'm doing it! (glares briefly at Alvin before walking past him into the kitchen)

Bernadette: Um, I think we have a problem!

Penny: What is it now? (joins Bernadette at the window) Oh God.

(next scene shows an over-the-shoulder angle, to display a horde of zombies overrunning the streets)

Sheldon (getting hysterical): W-we need to barricade the door!

Penny: That's not an option. We can't just let these things live! They'll never stop biting.

Sheldon: Well, we can't fight these things. Who knows how many there are?

(2 second pause)

Penny: And you call yourself a Texan.

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(Penny is leaning out the open window of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment; picking off zombies in the street. Leonard is to her right, also shooting zombies; but less, and in more time)

Leonard: You're really good at this!

Penny (concentrating): Mmm.

Leonard: Uh, so, I think science and show biz mix pretty well now, don't you?

Penny: If it were show biz, it would've made the news. This ain't even science.

Leonard: So what would you call it?

Penny: Neurobiology.

Leonard: Oh, come on, you don't actually mean what you're implying...

Penny: Don't judge me, I'll beat your ass.

Leonard: And still, I rest my case.

Penny: I mean it. I mean all of it. (awkward pause) Oh no. (looks over her right shoulder) Sheldon?

Sheldon (approaching): Yes?

(Penny moves aside and Sheldon squeezes in between her and Leonard; who both look up at Sheldon expectantly as his face contorts)

Sheldon: Meemaw!

Alvin (singing from behind): Livin' dead girl...!

Sheldon: Don't do that.

(Alvin looks at him with an innocent confusion)

("Livin' Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie plays as the next scene shows Alvin, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Leonard, Penny, Priya, Raj, and Sheldon running down the street; shooting zombies in their heads. The song plays the seventh stanza, followed by the last three verses; before the music fades out)

Penny: Bernadette, you've got one comin' up behind you!

Bernadette (turns to shoot, but has run out of ammunition): I'm gonna die!

(Howard shoots both down and quickly reloads Bernadette's gun. They continue without giving or demanding thanks)

Sheldon (panicked as a zombie comes within two feet of him): Oh God! (shoots her; then looks ahead with an utterly evil expression) Die, riser, die!

Leonard: Again! (shoots)

(5 second pause)

Penny: Is that it?

Bernadette: I-I don't see any more...

Priya: Never let your guard down. And it's not a good idea to wander off, either.

Penny: Who died and made you in charge?

(Everyone stares)

Penny (clearing throat): Okay. Sorry.

Priya: I'm a cop. And if you think you can assume the job without problems; I'll gladly hand the position over to a waitress.

(silence)

Priya: No?

Penny (emotionless): Go ahead.

Sheldon: Now, hold on, why can't the both of you lead the rest of us?

Amy: Sheldon...

Sheldon: I can't speak for the others; but I'm tired of listening to you two carry on about which of you is better.

Amy: Sheldon...

Sheldon: Because frankly, neither of you seem to be good at anything.

Amy: SHELDON!

(Sheldon looks)

Amy: Don't leave out the part where the waitress had the nerve to insult a neurobiologist. The downright nerve - when I actually didn't need to go to community college.

Howard: I thought you guys were besties.

Penny: Well, if she truly feels that way...(pushes gun into Amy's hands)...Then she would have no trouble shooting me in the head.

Amy: What?

Penny: Go ahead. Kill the waitress.

Priya: Yeah, what's taking you so long?

(2 second pause before a weird noise distracts them from the quarrel. A child zombie is walking stiffly toward them)

Sheldon: Child riser! Shoot it!

Bernadette (closest to the zombie): A kid? No - I can't!

Sheldon: She's already dead, you're not going to offend her.

(Bernadette freezes as the zombie gets closer. Finally, just as the zombie is close enough to scratch her; Bernadette unfreezes and shoots her in the head)

Alvin: You know, this journey would be much safer if the gunmen were being driven.

Bernadette (in tears): I'll drive!

(commercial break would be here)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(The nine friends have stolen a school's mini-bus. Alvin has taken the furthest left window of the right side; with Priya behind him. Penny has taken the closest right window; with Leonard behind her. Raj and Sheldon have taken the windows at the back of the bus; Howard stands to Penny's right, standing directly behind the driver's seat; which is claimed by Bernadette. Amy stands to Sheldon's left. Bernadette concentrates on driving; while the other eight focus on shooting zombies they pass)

Bernadette: I'm so glad the last driver here was a midget.

Amy: There's something you don't hear every day.

Sheldon: I've never heard it.

(Alvin is laughing like a maniac; and Sheldon, Amy and Howard both stare at him with identical looks of discontent)

Amy (looking briefly at him before whispering to Sheldon): I hope he has a good diaper on.

Sheldon: Or a solid dairy diet.

Penny (calling over to him): What's funny?

Alvin (hysterical): I don't remember.

(Sheldon raises both brows; looking at Penny in sheer displeasure)

Raj (to Leonard, making him break concentration): You're quiet.

(No answer)

Raj: You aren't infected, are you?

Leonard (lowering gun): No.

Raj (making Leonard finally look at him): Well, you're acting dead.

Leonard (after a brief pause): Now's not the time, Raj. (focuses on shooting again)

(Raj hesitates before refocusing on shooting as well)

Penny (stumbling slightly as Bernadette swerves and is heard making a small "Whee" noise): Anybody keeping count of these things?

Leonard: No.

Howard: Not me.

Sheldon: I am!

Penny: Good man, how many so far?

Sheldon: I've gotten eight - Alvin two, Raj twelve, Leonard ten, Amy fifteen, Priya twenty, Howard nine, Bernadette one - and you, thirty-seven.

Howard: Damn!

Sheldon: The total of kills is one hundred fourteen.

Alvin: That's a lot of re-kills.

Penny: Thank you Sheldon. And FYI? (pauses) Make it a hundred seventeen. (shoots three times)

Priya: Save some for us!

Penny: Shoot faster.

Bernadette: And none for me, thanks!

Sheldon (quietly, to self): And that's forty for Penny.

Amy (same tone of voice, to Sheldon): And you called me a vixen.

(2 second pause)

Howard (calling over to Sheldon): Hundred eighteen.

Penny (snapping at Howard): Nineteen!

Howard: Hundred nineteen.

(Amy looks at Sheldon and he shakes his head)

Bernadette: 'Kay, I'm taking a small detour through the woods! Penny!

Penny: Yeah, what?

Bernadette: Aim!

(Penny laughs, aiming)

Amy: We contribute!

Bernadette: Yeah, good. (takes detour; bus lurches wildly)

Howard: You know, I'm not as surprised as everybody else. When you beat Leonard at chess...when you got addicted to Age Of Conan and kicked ass...I hate to admit it, but maybe you're more strategic than we are.

Penny: There's doubt?

(both laugh)

Alvin (somewhat loudly): My bad!

Raj: What is?

Alvin: I missed a zombie - but I got a squirrel.

Bernadette: I'll compensate! (runs a zombie over)

Alvin (peering out the window): Hey, that was my teacher!

Bernadette: Tell him school's out!

Alvin (raising left arm in a stiff wave): School's out, sir!

Sheldon (quietly, to Amy): He's damaged.

Amy: SO damaged.

(Bernadette is seen in the rearview mirror, rolling her eyes)

Leonard: Eleven for me...Dead cannibal, nothing. (looks over at Amy) I thought you said you were contributing!

Amy (emotionless): My bad. (turns to face window and aims)

(Bus lurches and then stops)

Bernadette: Uh-oh.

Leonard: What? (breaks concentration and looks at Bernadette)

Bernadette: I'm out of gas.

Sheldon: Here? Now?

Raj: Obviously.

Bernadette: Amy, Priya...Penny...

Amy: That's not a good idea.

Penny: Not a good idea? It's INSANE!

Bernadette: There's not much choice!

Sheldon: I agree.

Penny: I...really don't want to go anywhere with either of them.

Bernadette (approaching): Well, the world is crawling with death so you listen to me - you're either walking with them out there or sitting with them in here. THAT'S your choice.

Penny: Ugh, fine. Y'know, I don't know why you're a waitress, if that's your version of people skills.

Bernadette: My version is no worse than yours, now haul ass.

(Penny, Amy and Priya grab extra ammo and leave)

Howard: You're one naughty little Catholic.

Bernadette: I'm sorry you had to see that.

Howard: Are you kidding? Just save some of that for me, huh?

(Bernadette smiles)

Sheldon (surprising everyone): That's my girlfriend, damn it, I'm out. (leaves bus, carrying gun)

Raj (looking at Leonard): See, all the creepy nerds are gone. Is now the time?

Leonard (looking first at Howard, then at Raj): I proposed again.

Howard: Get out, you serious?

Leonard: Dead serious!

(Alvin looks at him in bewilderment; and Leonard cringes)

Leonard: Oh, um...no. Yes. See - she said she didn't want to be married to someone if she had to travel anyway. And if I work at a lab and she's a famous actress, then we'll never be alone, or at least not for an uninterrupted given amount of time...and then the world started "crawling with death" so she's staying - but now we aren't even seeing each other anymore.

(3 second pause)

Howard: I have some advice.

Leonard: I'm listening.

Howard: Don't propose a third time. In the long run, if you don't die of old age or a natural disaster; then you'll get infected, die and become one of them. Save yourself the stress.

Leonard: But it's killing me!

(awkward pause)

Howard: You need to lay off the bad metaphors.

Leonard (hastily): I'll lay off when I...when I get...laid. (stands, takes three steps, then sits where he had been sitting and puts his head in his hands)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(Amy shoots two zombies before following Priya, Penny, and Sheldon into the gas station)

Sheldon (as Amy catches up to him): You're doing even better than before, Amy.

Amy: Thanks for sucking up.

Sheldon: I am doing no such thing! But I do find it necessary to point out to you that the man in a relationship protects the woman - not the other way around.

Amy: You're giving me too much credit. I am simply slower than you are.

Sheldon: Invalid - in times like these the body is given additional amounts of adrenaline, making you stronger and or faster.

Amy: Adrenaline has nothing to do with it. I'm getting worn down. I haven't consumed rations or fluids for twenty-seven hours, nor have I had a shower or something to sit on, excluding a bus seat for no more than thirty minutes. I've simply been firing a gun and walking the rest of the time.

Sheldon: We're all suffering that way.

Amy: Fine, I'm protecting you. So sue me.

Sheldon: Do you have any money?

Amy: What?

Sheldon: I cannot sue an impoverished person.

Amy: It's an expression.

Sheldon: Much like sarcasm?

Amy: Not at all.

(Gunfire from up ahead stops the group. After seven rounds, a blond woman dressed in a ragged candy striper uniform runs around the corner and slows to a jog when she sees the group)

Claire: Penny!

Penny (taking a few steps forward): Hey, Claire! Why don't you come with us? We could use the extra help.

Sheldon: Plus in a world as demented as ours; it's never a bad idea to have a nurse in the crowd.

Claire: Oh...Oh, I couldn't impose.

Penny: It's no imposition; you are invited.

Amy/Sheldon: Agreed.

Claire: Oh - okay! Thanks! So what're you doing here?

Priya: Our bus broke down in the woods; we're getting gas.

Claire: The woods? There isn't a forest around here.

Amy: It's half a mile out.

Claire: Oh damn. Okay. Well, good thing I drove here.

(Amy and Sheldon smile at one another while Penny smiles silently and Priya bows her head)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

Claire: Be careful with your guns, it's going to be a tight fit.

Penny (faintly): Four seats.

Sheldon: Nothing wrong with that. (looks at Amy) Well, are you going to sit on me, or is Penny?

Amy: I am, I am. (sits on his lap and closes the passenger door)

Penny (taking one of the backseats): Works out well for everyone.

(Claire laughs as Priya sits beside Penny. Once all the doors are closed, she begins to drive)

Amy: I can't buckle both of us up.

(2 second pause before Sheldon wraps his arms around her waist)

Amy (amazed): Sheldon. You're spoiling me.

(Sheldon just looks at her)

Amy: Would you do this if we were safe at home?

Sheldon: Oh, I can't see it happening.

(Amy looks at Penny, who smiles. After giving Penny a quick wink; she kisses Sheldon. Priya quickly looks out the window while Penny takes out her cell phone and snaps a picture. Amy pulls away then and looks expectantly at Sheldon)

Sheldon: Okay then.

Amy: God bless the zombies.

(Sheldon barks his short, insincere laugh)

Priya: Don't mind them, Claire; they're always that scary.

Claire: The living doesn't scare me anymore.

Sheldon: I call them 'risers'.

Claire: Huh...I like that.

Sheldon: The mother of my roomate's friend was bitten.

Claire: Oh...I'm so sorry.

Sheldon: That does me no good.

Penny (leaning forward): Seriously, you don't consider Howard your friend?

Sheldon: I have physics and a perfect understanding of it all. What is there to consider?

(Penny's voicemail ringtone on her cell phone goes off and she opens her phone to read it; then nods at Priya)

Priya (innocently): Who is it?

Penny (innocently): It's, um, Leonard. Says he's getting worried.

Priya: Well, text him; tell him not to! You idiot.

Penny: Don't give me lip - unless you want a fat one.

(Penny texts; then Priya's cell phone rings. Priya reads her mail, then gapes at Penny)

Penny: And who's that?

Priya: M-my brother. (pretends to text as Penny puts her phone away; and after awhile Priya puts hers away. She shares another secretive look with Penny before she looks ahead to Amy, who is busy talking to Sheldon)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

Leonard (waking everyone up): They're back!

Bernadette: They made it?

Leonard: They weren't walking! Check it out, they're with some woman!

Raj: I like where this is going.

Alvin (joining them at the window): Mother!

Raj: Whoa, wait, what?

(next scene shows Claire unbuckling as Amy and Sheldon disentangle themselves)

Penny: We'll be right in.

Priya: Yeah, don't wait up. And tell Bernadette not to drive off!

(The driver's side door and the passenger side door shut; and Penny and Priya watch as two figures disappear within the mini-bus, while the other fills up the gas tank and goes to the back of the car momentarily before following the first two figures into the bus, carrying something)

Priya: Amy really told you herself?

Penny: Yep.

Priya: Well if she caused all this, surely she can cure it.

Penny: It's a little late for Pasadena...

Priya: Yes, but think of how big the world is. Surely there are others.

(Penny looks at her)

(next scene is within the bus)

Claire (holding the cooler she'd retrieved from the trunk): Okay, I have some news -

Alvin: Mother!

Claire: Alvin! Oh, thank goodness! (they hug) I was just about to stop hoping.

Bernadette: Where is everyone?

Leonard: Oh God, no, don't say it! They're bitten; they're dead, or they're dying. Don't say it!

Claire: I...wasn't going to...Not like you...

(Leonard looks up expectantly)

Claire: They just wanted me to tell Bernadette...(she looks immediately at Bernadette)...not to drive off without them.

Bernadette: Where are they?

Claire: Probably hunched over in a bush somewhere. The gas station didn't have any washrooms.

Sheldon: Ironic, is it not?

(Amy smiles)

(Bernadette, startling everyone on the bus, turns suddenly and pushes the button to open the front door of the bus. Penny and Priya amble quickly inside and Bernadette shuts the door. Two seconds later, a zombie presses against the glass. Howard walks up to the window, opens, and slides the tip of his gun onto the zombie's head before shooting)

Penny: That was way too close.

Priya: You ready to travel some more?

Leonard: After seeing that freak, definitely!

Alvin (singing, as Bernadette happily sits in the driver's seat): On the road again...

(His muffled singing continues in the background as Sheldon and Amy assume their positions at the back of the bus; pointing their guns outside the windows, as does everyone else when they resume their earlier positions. Leonard looks over his shoulder just in time to see Sheldon's arm go around Amy as she leans into him)

Leonard: About bloody time.

Penny: Hah, that's nothing. (shows him the picture)

Leonard: Ew.

Claire: Well, do I make myself useful, or do I get an introduction? (looks at Raj) Hi, I'm Claire.

(Raj taps Sheldon on the arm; then urgently taps his empty beer bottle)

Sheldon: His name is Raj. He can't speak to women unless he's drunk or buzzed.

Claire: Well, that's an easy fix. (sets cooler down and opens the lid; Raj leans in with interest) I've got Chardonnay, Syrah, Sauvignon Blanc, Merlot, brown ale, mild ale, old ale, and pale ale. Take your pick, five of each.

Penny: Really? How does such a little cooler hold forty alcoholic beverages?

Sheldon: When you arrange something correctly, Penny, it is possible to have an increased capacity. Of course it is just a matter of making it all fit.

Claire: No, see, that's not the case with me.

Sheldon: So then how would you describe it?

Claire: "Desperate times call for desperate measures".

Raj: Amen!

(Everyone who isn't driving looks at him with various expressions)

Alvin (to Claire, after a brief silence): So what is your email address?

Claire: Seriously, you think you'll sit at a computer and write to me with all this going on?

Alvin: It never hurts to hope.

Claire (as Alvin pulls out a piece of paper and a pen): You can't be serious!

Alvin: Okay, then how about I give you mine? (offers her pen and paper)

Claire: Alvin, much as I would like to sit down with a cup of coffee and read a letter from you, I just don't think it'll happen. And what's the logic in hoping?

Alvin: Alright. I suppose if we get split up and find separate sanctuaries in fully furnished houses, and we have the option to contact one another but neglect to do so; there is no reason to assume the worst, either.

Claire: Okay, fine. The letter E, the letter Z...(pauses as Alvin writes)...the number 2, hyphen, the number 4...G-E-T.

Alvin: At what?

Claire: .

(Alvin shows her the piece of paper)

Claire: Yeah, that's it. I just think it's nuts to be thinking about emails at a time like this.

Alvin: You have no way of knowing whether or not we could be separated - and when it would happen if it did.

Howard: Ain't that the truth.

Sheldon (to Alvin, making him meet his eyes): I changed my mind. You're not damaged at all.

Penny: Not like this bitch! (fires gun out window, laughs)

Claire (to Alvin): Did you want their email addresses too? I mean what if the entire group gets separated? That's just as possible as anything else.

Alvin: No offense, Mother, but after seeing the dead try to eat me when their mind should be as decayed as the rest of them...I think anything is possible.

Claire (seriously): Oh that's a good point.

Amy: Listen to me, the emails would be a good idea if we had a second to spare. But we don't.

Sheldon: So what do you propose?

Amy: Walkie-talkies.

(Alvin and Sheldon stare in twin looks of blank stoneresque confusion)

Amy: Two-way radios?

(no answer)

Amy: Baby monitors.

Alvin: Oh, of course.

Sheldon: Right!

Amy (ruefully): Oh, Sheldon. I always considered you special; but now everyone knows it.

(Sheldon looks at Alvin, who looks back at him; but both are clueless)

(commercial break would be here)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

Bernadette: Oh my goodness!

(Howard, Raj, Penny and Alvin crowd together near Bernadette and everyone else peers around the windows on one side of the bus, as Bernadette drives it up to a giant building. Its doors and windows are all boarded off. A military tank is parked right beside a ladder and a military helicopter is parked on the roof. One soldier is shooting zombies, while another soldier is getting out of the tank and the third soldier is already climbing up the ladder. The gunman finishes off the zombies and proceeds to point out Bernadette's bus)

Raj: I hope this is a good thing.

(The gunman and the soldier just out of the tank hop to the ground and run to the bus, weapons aimed. They wait at the bus door)

Claire: Allow me.

Bernadette: Don't ask permission, just go.

(Bernadette opens the bus door for Claire, who steps outside. After a brief conversation; Claire pokes her head back inside the bus)

Claire: We're in.

(next scene shows that Claire, Alvin, Priya, Penny, Sheldon, and three soldiers have formed a brigade and are passing ammo, weapons and of course the cooler toward the building. Howard, Bernadette, Amy, Leonard, Raj, and some other soldiers are standing on the tank; continuing the brigade onto the roof, where the soldiers carry the goods down the ladder that leads into and out of the building. Finally, when the bus is empty; Claire, Alvin, Priya, Penny, Sheldon and the three soldiers climb onto the tank to go inside. However, Claire hesitates before she climbs onto the tank. She looks down in surprise)

Alvin (peering down): Mama!

Claire (after whipping out a pocket knife and stabbing the zombie in her right temple): It's alright, dear, don't worry. Look. (pulls up the pant leg the zombie had chewed on to reveal a prosthetic leg)

Alvin: Oh...oh, good. (helps her up onto the tank) That was scary.

Claire (motioning Alvin up the ladder): I almost didn't notice. (climbs up after him)

(next scene is inside the building, where all are safe)

Sheldon: Howard.

(Howard looks at him)

Sheldon: We're with these men now. It's not too late to change your profession. (walks past him, leaving him to suffer in silent rage)

Leonard (approaching her): Penny, look, I'm real sorry. This...this mess wasn't supposed to happen during the party.

Penny (smiling): I know.

Leonard: Good. So...where does this leave us?

Penny: Well...where do you want it to leave us?

Leonard: What?

Penny: You decide. After what happened today, I'm ready for anything.

(2 second pause)

Leonard: Really?

Penny: Yeah, absolutely.

(3 second pause)

Leonard: You know where I stand.

Penny: I do.

Leonard: Good. That's good, because I didn't know how much more of this being single I could take; and the not knowing -

Penny: Leonard.

(Leonard looks at her)

Penny: I do.

(no response)

Penny (exasperated): I do, Leonard!

Leonard (cluing in): Oh!

Penny: Yeah.

Leonard: Will you marry me?

Penny: Yes.

(They kiss; and the audience, which had been completely silent before, begins clapping; then falls back into complete silence)

(next scene shows that Penny and Leonard are in a queen-sized bunk bed; except there is no bed beneath the one on top. The beds following them in a line are identical; each one occupied - Sheldon and Amy in the second; Bernadette and Howard in the third; Raj and Priya in the fourth; Alvin and Claire in the fifth; and then the rest are all occupied by military soldiers)

(camera focuses on Priya and Raj, both still wide awake)

Raj: I can't believe that out of all my friends, I'm the only one who has no wife or girlfriend.

Priya: I can't believe your friends all found someone.

Raj: They're not so bad.

Priya: They're worse than bad! Why are you even living in Pasadena in the first place? You would rather live with a bunch of scientists than your own family? It's a surprise you weren't kicked out of India.

Raj: Maybe I'd rather live in Pasadena because my family in India is close-minded.

Priya: Rajesh, I'm not being close-minded. I'm just saying maybe you would've found someone in India.

Raj: Seriously? I'm getting slack from the woman who slept with Leonard?

Priya: It hardly matters what I did. I don't live in Pasadena.

Raj: It doesn't matter where you live! You shouldn't do anything like that and then preach purity.

Priya: Purity. This coming from the guy who needs to drink just to speak to women. (shakes her head and locks eyes with him) I'm just saying it's an abomination, choosing a slutty waitress; an engineer; a physicist who needs to invent things to make his equations work; and a guy who slept with me, over your family - three people in your hometown who actually care about you.

Raj: My friends care about me!

Priya: How many of them have openly admitted it before?

(4 second silence)

Priya: Have they ever done anything special for your birthday?

Raj: Birthdays, who cares about those. That'd just be something done out of social protocol, it has nothing to do with anything.

Priya: I rest my case.

Raj: Do you really think now's the time to discuss it?

Priya: You've done a fine job not answering me. I'm just saying maybe take half the credit.

Raj (making everyone asleep stir and everyone awake look at them): You are such a bitch.

Priya: Excuse me?

Raj: You heard me.

Priya: Okay, what if I told you Mom was pregnant again?

Raj: As if. In this fresh hell?

Priya: It's possible.

Raj: Yeah, sure - if she hasn't been bitten yet.

Priya: Look, all I know is, you're being stupid by staying in the town Amy lives in. I hear she's the cause for this...fresh hell.

Raj: Who told you that?

Priya: I said I heard it. It doesn't neccessarily mean I was told, now does it?

Raj: And you're telling me to take half the credit! Listen to yourself. (throws back covers and sits up) I can't be in the same bed as you. (climbs down ladder)

(next scene shows Leonard restlessly turning over. He turns onto his left side to find himself looking right into Penny's eyes as she smiles at him. Leonard opens one arm out to her and she snuggles against him)

Penny (as Raj is seen behind her climbing up into an empty bed): That was pretty nasty, huh?

Leonard: I'll take it over shooting risers any day.

Penny: No kidding.

(She adjusts the blankets before scene fades into next; in which Amy awakens to find herself alone. She sits up and looks around at all the empty beds. Looking slightly anguished; she climbs halfway down the ladder and makes the bed before climbing the rest of the way down the ladder and searching the building for a sign of life. She finds it in the kitchen; where everyone is finishing breakfast. Amy's shoulder smacks into Penny's as they pass one another; and Penny drops her freshly made toast to the floor)

Penny: God, Amy, that was really rude.

Amy: Why are you blaming me? I didn't smack it out of your hands; you dropped it.

Penny: Because you made me drop it.

Amy: It's toast. Make it again and stop complaining.

(Penny scrutinizes her as she bends down, picks up the toast and throws it away)

Bernadette (to Leonard): I hear you and Penny got engaged last night. Congratulations.

Leonard: Uh, thank you.

Penny: We don't have a wedding date just yet - I mean, seriously, look around. But hell, we'll probably just tie the knot in this building. (continues with more stress than excitement) I'm really looking forward to that.

Leonard: Oh, me too.

Amy (quietly, to an unenthused Priya): I don't understand it either.

(Priya nods subtly)

Sheldon (to Amy): I like you.

(Amy's eyebrows go up as she shifts her weight in her seat)

(4 second pause)

Alvin (quietly): This is awkward.

Claire: Excuse me. (gets up and leaves room)

(Claire, sporting a backpack, climbs up the ladder onto the roof; then down the ladder onto the tank. She shoots two zombies approaching her and then jumps to the ground; landing near the zombie she had sliced in the temple the previous day. She climbs into the bus and sets her backpack down on the driver's seat. As she rummages through its contents; the angle changes to reveal a zombie sitting in the far back of the bus. As Claire pulls out a needle; the zombie stands and stiffly makes her way to Claire; who is oblivious until the zombie sinks her decayed teeth into Claire's shoulder. Claire screams, dropping the needle and falling to her knees. She pushes away the zombie; then proceeds to kill it with her pocket knife. Claire then locks the bus doors and lies down on the floor, beginning to cry)


	2. Chapter 2

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(The sun has traveled insignificantly, and is now behind a tree; casting the inside of the bus in an odd light. Claire's eyes, milky with death and alert with a crude semblance of life, open; and moving on stiff legs, Claire manages to stand. She briefly shuffles around the bus, and then catches sight of the zombie lying unmoving on the floor. She approaches it and begins eating. The angle changes to reveal Sheldon, watching safely from the other end of the glass doors)

Sheldon: Oh, God. (pauses and shakes head in disgust) I'm going to have nightmares for a week. (turns around and makes his way back to unquestioned safety)

Amy (unemotionally yet sincerely, as Sheldon walks inside): Oh, good, I was getting worried.

Sheldon: No need.

Bernadette: Did you find Claire?

Sheldon: I did.

Penny (brightly): So where is she?

Sheldon: Let's just cut to the chase and say that the woman who didn't usually act blond, forgot to check her parameters and now finds cannibalism delightful.

Alvin: What did you say?

Sheldon (suddenly with a Texas accent): She got bit.

Alvin (hurrying for the hallway): Oh dear God no!

Sheldon (stopping him): Before you go running off like a headless chicken, might I suggest you take a gun with you?

Alvin (suddenly calm): Of course. (walks around him, grabs a gun and disappears)

Penny: Sheldon, you couldn't have said it in a kinder way?

Sheldon (unemotionally): I'm sorry. How about you say it without sounding too up-front?

(brief pause)

Penny: Damn you, Dr. Cooper.

Amy: Back off, blondie.

Penny: Amy, why do you love him! He not only doesn't get jokes at the age of thirty-two; he'd rather sit at home and watch Spider-Man than go out with you!

(Brief shot of Raj as he looks at Priya; who looks back at him with a smug expression)

Amy: And yet when I came down with the flu, he was the only one taking care of me. You didn't bring me any soup, you didn't phone, you didn't send any cards...

Penny: You mean, that stuff isn't too simple for you?

Amy: No, it's not. And he wasn't doing any of that stuff either.

Penny: So I repeat, why?

Amy: Because he stayed with me the whole time. He didn't leave. He took complete care of me, and when I betrayed his trust he forgave me. I could've loved you too, but even when I confessed to you and no one else about this whole mess you blew it way out of proportion.

Howard (quietly): Out of proportion? You might be the cause of every human's death.

Amy: And your mother's. You're welcome.

Howard: Hey, that's completely...Yeah, whatever.

Penny: I don't want you to love me. I want you to be normal.

Raj: Normal.

Penny: Yes.

Raj: Now.

(eerie silence)

Penny (turning slowly back to Amy): I'm sorry. This...(gestures wildly around her)...isn't something you just forgive someone for.

Amy: I'm working on a cure.

(silence)

Bernadette: How would you cure something like this?

Amy: Well, first I would need to create an anti-virus; following which I would need to inject the anti-virus into three separate places - the cerebellum, the frontal lobes and the ventromedial hypothalamus. Then I would stimulate circulation to the ventromedial hypothalamus; give the nervous system an electric shock; and pray I know what I know my work.

Penny: If it works?

Amy: I would need to find another way to complete my experiment.

Penny: And if it doesn't?

Amy: I'll quit.

Sheldon: Don't do that! You're too far along!

Amy: I would ordinarily take that as a compliment.

Raj: What's stopping you?

Amy: It's the truth.

Alvin (rushing into the room with Claire's backpack slung over his shoulder): Hey, check all this out. (dumps contents on the couch)

Howard: Holy damn!

(Penny picks up a camera from the mess of electronics)

Priya: What the hell is all this?

Sheldon: Devices, gadgets, knick-knacks -

Amy: Baby monitors. (holds up two)

Bernadette: Hey Amy, looks like she had them all along and didn't say anything.

Amy: How dare she? She was right there!

Penny (silencing all): Amy, what would you need to make a cure?

Amy: A live zombie. That's what worries me.

Soldier: We aren't bringing those things in here, and neither are you.

Amy: I wouldn't dream of it, sir. I would perform the experiment on the bus, once I've cleaned it of the bodies. But I would need to somehow put restraints on one of those things to do it.

Alvin: Use my mother.

Amy: I can't.

Alvin: Why not?

Amy: Because the only way you can truly kill a zombie is by shooting it in the head.

Alvin (immediately): And I couldn't do that.

Amy: What did you do?

Alvin: Tied her up. Gagged her.

Amy: So - she's ready for me? Just like that?

Alvin: Not 'just like that', no. It was difficult. But yes...she is ready.

Amy (grabbing a gun and ammo before putting a hand on his shoulder): Thank you. I hope I can do it.

Alvin: As do I.

(Amy leaves. After a brief delay, Sheldon follows; also grabbing a gun)

Penny (looking after him): Son of a bitch. He's a Texan.

(Outside, Amy begins descending down the ladder. She looks up at Sheldon in shock as he fires off two rounds, killing a zombie almost two yards away. Sheldon gives Amy his creepy smile and begins following her down. Amy jumps to the ground and searches the area as Sheldon lands on the tank and makes his way to the ground. Both then make their way carefully into the bus. Safe, Sheldon locks the bus doors and Amy walks to the back of the bus, approaching Claire; who struggles uselessly against her restraints)

Sheldon: She sure is an evil-looking thing, isn't she?

Amy (briefly holding his hand): I love you. Now shut up.

(Sheldon looks surprised)

Amy: If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right. And that means silence. (releases him and walks over to Claire)

Sheldon: Do you have your equipment?

Amy: Yes, Sheldon. I never leave home without it.

Sheldon: Home?

Amy: Yes. The lab is my second home.

Sheldon: Oh! Oh, good, I thought you meant something else.

Amy: I meant that too. You know what they say, practice makes perfect.

Sheldon: You've done this before?

Amy: No. Now be quiet.

(Looking confused, Sheldon turns around and aims, ready to shoot)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

Raj: I miss your Wii.

Leonard: Me too.

Howard: But you carry it with you all the time. (laughs)

Leonard (unenthusiastically): Very funny.

Raj: Don't take it too personally. He's just the guy who considers himself a PlayStation, when in fact he's so X-rated that even Austin Powers wouldn't let him be a Goldmember.

Penny: Ugh.

Leonard: What?

Penny: I just had a brief sliver of hope that without your Wii and the rest of your dorky possessions, you'd lose that nerdy filling inside your Geek Supreme; but then Raj started talking.

Priya (bluntly): THANK you.

(moment's pause)

Howard: What did you just say?

Priya: Well, come on, we do have some common ground. For one, your type is revolting.

Howard: I'm sorry, my type?

Penny: I didn't mean it like that. I am, after all, engaged to Leonard.

Leonard (falteringly): Thank you.

Penny: Although, for the record, Howard; yes, you are.

Howard: Well, my wife doesn't think so.

Bernadette: Okay, can we leave the head-biting to the zombies? (grabs Howard's hand and walks out of the room, taking him with her)

Raj: All I did was make a joke about him and his perviness.

Leonard: His perviness.

Raj: Yeah.

Leonard: It's perversion.

Raj: Ooh, sorry. I didn't realize the English police were here. Maybe if I spoke in my native language I wouldn't offend you.

(Penny gets up and leaves; grabbing a gun and some ammo on her way out. She climbs onto the roof and down onto the tank; where she picks off five zombies in five shots. Then she leaps down onto the ground and gets into the bus to find Sheldon holding her at gun point, pressing the tip of it against her chest)

Sheldon (withdrawing weapon): Sorry. Just being careful.

Penny: That's good. I almost wet myself, but I'm glad you're taking precautions...

Sheldon: Why are you here?

Penny: To relieve you of keeping watch, isn't it obvious? You have even more bags under your eyes than usual.

Sheldon: I'm offended by that.

Penny: Sorry...just being honest. Look, do you want to take a break or not?

Sheldon (turning): Amy?

Amy: The faster you decide, the sooner I can continue in peace.

Sheldon (whisper): Fine. (heads for the doors)

Amy: Love you, Sheldon!

Sheldon (pausing but not looking at her): Thank you. (gets off bus)

(3 second silence, during which neither woman moves)

Amy: Why you?

Penny: Well, Raj and Leonard are bickering; and I'm pretty sure Bernadette and Howard are going at it. Priya, well, she's probably filing her nails.

Amy: It appears you could use a good nail filing.

Penny: Says the girl pushing a dirty needle into a woman's brain.

Amy: It isn't dirty.

Penny: It ain't sterile!

Amy (after brief pause): Touché.

(2 second silence)

Amy: If this works, will you still be mad at me?

Penny: I'm not sure if I'm mad right now.

Amy: What? Why?

Penny: 'Cuz you were doing your job.

Amy: I was. That's all I wanted you to say.

Penny: I said it. Doesn't mean I like it.

Amy: Hey, I don't either. This is hell.

Penny: Well, two good things have come out of it.

Amy: Like what...

Penny: Well, for one, I'm engaged to the man I love. And two, even though Sheldon only said 'thank you'; he's accepted the fact that you love him! How huge is that?! Your boyfriend isn't a robot.

Amy (smiling): Well, hopefully one day he can get as stiff as one.

Penny: Ew!

Amy: Yeah, I know. I'm good. (continues surgery; then jerks backward as Claire goes still and even more lifeless than before) Oh...Uh-oh.

Penny (pushing on Claire's head): Amazing. You killed the dead. And she'd already died twice!

Amy: I hope she wasn't superstitious.

Penny: I am! Especially now!

Amy: Let's get out of here.

(Both get off the bus and go inside the building. As they leave the hallway and enter the kitchen; Alvin looks expectantly at Amy, who silently shakes her head)

Alvin (standing and getting into her personal space): Thanks...a lot. (walks down the hallway)

Sheldon: No luck?

Amy: No luck. I can't believe I failed!

Howard: Don't take it too hard. You're a neurobiologist, not a superhuman.

Amy: What's the difference?

Howard: Superhumans don't quit.

Amy: I think you're thinking of a superhero.

Howard: What's the difference?

Sheldon: Knock it off, you two.

Amy (to Howard, ignoring Sheldon): For your information, superhumans can very well exist. Somewhere in the mountains a man lives in the caves, practicing magic; but superheroes are just figments of underachieving imaginations.

Sheldon (in disbelief): Underachieving?

Amy (to Sheldon): Don't get me wrong, you're smart...

Sheldon: But...?

Amy: But I am not just a figment of your imagination.

Penny: Unless he's on pot.

(Raj and Howard both snicker; Bernadette remains silent, watching the exchange)

Sheldon: What can superhumans do that superheroes can't?

Amy: They can't figure out a cure to bring back the dead.

Raj: In all fairness, neither did you.

(Amy looks at him with a murderous look on her face. She walks to him and looks him in the eye until he nervously backs down and disappears into the washroom)

Amy (smiling): The way to a man's heart is indeed through his stomach.

Penny: Hah!

Sheldon: Actually, the bladder is below the stomach. I'm aware you were coining an old phrase; but for future reference there is a right way and a wrong way, and you stylized it as the latter - every rookie's mistake.

Amy: No, Sheldon, I wasn't coining a phrase. I changed it.

Sheldon: I don't understand.

Amy: I triggered his nervous bladder, which is above but not separate from his stomach.

Sheldon: I see, and what does this have to do with his heart?

Amy: Trigger a nervous bladder, and you strike fear into his heart. Obviously.

Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I understand.

Howard: Oy vey.

Sheldon: You didn't have to be rude about it...

Amy: I'm sorry. Shall we to the pitiful mindset of superheroes?

Bernadette (passing, grabbing Amy's hand): Walk.

(they go onto the roof and sit on the edge; aiming their guns and waiting for zombies)

Amy: What's your damage? I thought you were on my side.

Bernadette: I am. But every man is made up of what he loves; you can't mock that. No matter how stupid it is.

Amy: How can a man compare me to a superhero when they are less existent than superhumans?

Bernadette: How can you call yourself a superhuman when you're better than that?

Amy: Excuse me, I'd rather be able to fly than to poke at brains!

Bernadette: Don't you like neurobiology?

Amy: Of course. I'm a super geek.

Bernadette: So stop directing your anger toward Howard at Sheldon. You love your job, and you love each other; and that should be all there is to it.

Amy: If he loved me, he would've said it.

Bernadette: He might be a physicist, but he's still a guy. Trust me, he does.

Amy: No offense, Bernadette, but you married a man who would've done it with animals. I don't want to hear love advice from you.

Bernadette: I'm just trying to help!

Amy: You're failing miserably.

Bernadette (scowling): Whatever. (aims gun again and fires off two rounds at a zombie in the far distance, surprising Amy)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)

(It is nighttime again; and Priya and Penny are on the roof, keeping watch)

Penny: You sure you want to be here with me? It might look suspicious.

Priya: More suspicious than you and Sheldon?

Penny: Way more. Actually I'm starting to like Sheldon.

Priya: You're out of your tree.

Penny: Hey, I said 'like'.

Priya: Love comes after that.

Penny: Never. Leonard himself would shoot me first.

Priya: But you like him.

Penny: Well, I'm marrying Leonard, so I think that settles it.

Priya: A real go-getter, huh? Some might call that slutty.

Penny: Some might be suicidal. (turns off the safety)

Priya: Don't get your bikini in a knot; I'm just saying, he slept with me, and some girl named Stephanie, and still, you want him in bed.

Penny: Damn straight.

Priya: Why? Don't you see how insecure he is? If the zombies don't break you up, female survivors will.

Penny: If he were insecure, he wouldn't have gotten me.

Priya: You're blind.

Penny: What's your point?

Priya: I just made it.

Penny: Yeah. Sure.

Priya: Hey, he could surprise me! From what I hear, Stephanie was pretty slutty, too; and Leslie and I were just one-night stands. I'm sure what you have with him is much more than just physical.

Penny: Just physical, huh? Okay, prove it. Go down there right now. Charm him out of his shoes.

Priya: You're insane!

Penny: Aw...Are you scared all of a sudden?

Priya: No.

Penny: Do it then.

Priya: Let me get this straight. You want me to hit on your fiancé to prove my own point?

Penny: Are you so sure of yourself?

Priya: Yes...

Penny: Then I want it.

Priya: Idiot. Fine. I warned you about his insecurity - this is your own fault.

Penny: Make it so. (covers mouth, looking horrified as Priya disappears)

(Inside, Priya sees Leonard and hesitates; looking blankly at him before approaching. He turns and walks past her; not even aware of her presence until she addresses him)

Priya: Leonard!

Leonard (turning): Oh - hi.

Priya: Listen, I'm kind of scared. Could you maybe do me a favor and share my bed tonight? I could use a good distraction.

Leonard: Gee, Priya, I'm flattered; but I couldn't do that to Penny. Why don't you see of one of those military guys are available? (turns and continues on his way)

Priya (to self): Ow...

Sheldon: Strike one!

(Priya looks over at him)

Sheldon: Lady, you're going to need a wider swing if you want to hit that. Bazinga!

Priya: Shut up. (goes back onto the roof)

Penny: And?

Priya: He...he turned me down! And insulted me!

(Penny snickers)

Priya: You're enjoying this, aren't you.

Penny: Are you kidding? I set you up for it.

Priya: I...I don't understand. Why would you do that to me?

Penny: Because I know what you were doing. Next time you're just another one-night stand, why don't you try and see it coming - (takes Priya's gun) - when you don't a second time. (leaves)

(Priya cynically watches her go before retreating to the building's edge. Sitting down, she pulls out a small flashlight, turns it on and shines it around the premises. After hearing a noise almost directly below her; she points the flashlight down to see a cat, acting unusually, stagger slowly across the yard. Then it looks up; and as its eyes catch in the light, Priya can clearly see the cat has been turned into a much more animalistic zombie)

Priya (slowly lowering her gun): Oh God.

Author's Note: I hope you're enjoying this so far! I know I am!


	3. Chapter 3

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Keep in mind this is a fanfic. It does not affect the characters on TV. The way you look at them, however, is a whole other story...This one!_

(next scene shows Priya running into the kitchen to join the others)  
Priya: Guys, something is very wrong!  
Penny: Get over it, Priya, you didn't actually think we were bonding, did you?  
Priya (ignoring Penny): The animals can turn too.  
Raj: This I have to see! (leaves kitchen with Sheldon, Howard, Bernadette, Amy, Leonard, Alvin and Penny in hot pursuit. Priya sits at the table)  
(next scene shows everyone excluding Priya standing on the roof)  
Amy: That's it. I quit.  
Bernadette: Why?  
Amy (surprising everyone): I can't cure every damn being on the whole damn planet. I am one person. I can't keep providing the antidote unless we raid every laboratory in the world; and even then I'd need to raid each one more than once. Think of how big the planet is - and for both humans and animals? No way.  
Penny: We need to at least try!  
Amy: See, that's just it. There is no 'we'. I'm the only neurobiologist here. I can't do it alone, but none of you can help me! And if I did succeed, I would be old and gray by the time I finish; and I would probably stroke out and die. It just...it's not worth it. I give up.  
Bernadette: Amy, you have five friends and a boyfriend who need you to stop your whining and get things done.  
Amy: I can't do it...  
Bernadette: Well then I guess none of us mean anything to you.  
(brief pause as everyone looks at Amy)  
Amy: You do. But the antidote didn't work. What's the point in wasting the rest of my life on something that I already know to be a failure?  
(2 second silence)  
Bernadette (unable to look away from Amy): Come on, Howard. (heads back inside)  
Howard (stopping before Amy): I thought you were a good person. (continues following Bernadette)  
(eerie silence as Sheldon and Amy look at one another. Then Sheldon looks away, hoists his gun onto his right shoulder, and follows Howard inside. Slowly, everyone excluding Amy goes inside)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Amy is shown standing at the edge of the flat roof, shooting her gun; before the angle changes to a floor-level shot, aiming between her legs and directly facing the entrance slash exit into or out of the military base. Amy stops shooting, and in the silence Sheldon ascends the ladder just enough for his head to poke out. He quickly ducks his head most of the way as Amy shifts her position; but then he changes his mind. Making a face, he places his weapon on the roof and climbs the rest of the way up. The angle changes again to show a side profile of Amy as Sheldon approaches her from behind)  
Sheldon: Amy...(continues when Amy turns to face him) While I cannot logically say I understand what you're going through; what I can say is that you mean more to me than anyone else ever has. And I'm sorry if I don't express it, but physics is my life!  
Amy: Huh. So what you're saying is, you have two loves? Me and physics?  
Sheldon: Yes. I'm not saying you're more important than work...but I'm not saying I love work more. And if a drab old physicist like myself can ever help you deal with this insanity that has become your career; then you know where I am.  
Amy: What are you saying?  
Sheldon: What do you think I'm saying? If I ever turn, and you don't -  
Amy: Sheldon, stop! Stop talking like that.  
Sheldon: But it's possible.  
Amy: Too possible, that's my point! If you die, I die.  
Sheldon: You can't barter with the afterlife!  
Amy: Sheldon, you just admitted you love me. I can do anything now.  
Sheldon: Not that!  
Amy: I appreciate your concern, but you're ruining the moment.  
Sheldon: I'm not concerned; I'm stating the facts. You can dilly-dally all you please, but your time is up when your time is up.  
Amy: Plenty of people believed that. And look at them now. (looks over to a zombie looking hungrily up at them, futilely stretching out his arms)  
Sheldon: Yes, I suppose you have me there. They're kind of like the people who laughed at Noah.  
Amy: What does a flood have to do with any of this?  
Sheldon: I'm sorry, my mother must be on my mind. She was one of those 'Be Aware, Prepare' enthusiasts. They even held meetings.  
Amy (softly): Do you think she made it?  
Sheldon: I hope so. It's hard to imagine her failing at yet another thing. (reconsiders his point) What do you care of my mother? You only met once. Aren't you worried about your parents?  
Amy: Not particularly, no. I never knew my real father, nor did I have another man in my life assuming the fatherly figure. My mother, well, she died last week.  
Sheldon: But this crapstorm is recent.  
Amy: I know...(pauses) I'd rather not discuss it.  
Sheldon: You're the one that brought it up. (receives a stare from Amy) My apologies.  
(3 second pause)  
Amy: So, Sheldon, tell me. We're standing all alone in the moonlight, we're in love, and no zombie can bite us...What shall we do?  
Sheldon: What do you suggest?  
(Amy just looks at him. Next scene shows Bernadette, Howard and Raj walking toward the ladder)  
Howard: I'm not telling you how to live your life; I'm just saying a longer life is more important than talking to women.  
Raj: I'd rather talk to women than live on a planet like this one.  
Howard: Okay, fine. You can talk to Penny, Amy and Bernadette, all of whom are married or in a relationship; and your sister. And I'll eat nothing but berries for two days if you find a hot single female survivor desperate for attention.  
Raj: You know, I almost went gay with Stuart once. But...then we remembered who my parents were.  
(Howard smiles and then both stop in their tracks as they hear a distinctive creaking)  
Raj: What's that?  
(2 second pause)  
Amy (from the rooftop): Oh, Sheldon! Don't stop!  
(Bernadette, Raj and Howard stare up at the entrance slash exit opening in the rooftop in sheer amazement)  
(Next scene shows Amy running a stick along the rough edges of the rooftop. Behind her, Sheldon watches in curiosity)  
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, that's it!  
Sheldon: What's it? What are you doing? Aside from attracting risers from every direction!  
Amy: I'm getting tired of having a hypothetical love life with my real boyfriend. What do you think I'm doing?  
Sheldon: Do you have any idea what my colleagues will think? Stop that! Enough! (claps hands twice)  
Amy: Oh, God, yes! Do that again!  
(next scene shows Bernadette, Raj and Howard listening intently as Penny walks into the room and joins them. Then, looking confused, she counts off Bernadette and herself before looking up at the hole in the roof)  
(next scene shows Sheldon and Amy)  
Sheldon: Cut that out!  
(He grabs the stick from her hand and proceeds to throw it over the edge; nailing a zombie almost a yard away)  
Amy (watching the zombie go down, speaking louder than necessary): That was amazing!  
Sheldon (after suddenly knocking Amy off her feet and pinning her to the "floor"): Be quiet!  
(brief silence as they just look at each other)  
Soldier (from the ladder): What's going on here?  
(5 second pause as Amy and Sheldon look speechlessly at him)  
Sheldon (unconvincingly): Nothing...  
Soldier (unconvinced): Right.  
Sheldon: No, I swear, we were just talking!  
Soldier: Whatever, man. Look, your noise attracted a bunch of zombies so you're both on first watch. And keep it down. (disappears)  
(Amy looks at Sheldon with a dreamy smile on her face. She sobers pretty quickly when she catches Sheldon's sharp stare)  
Amy (after clearing throat): Okay, maybe I took it too far, but...  
(Sheldon gets up, hurries to the opening in the roof and climbs quickly down the ladder. Watching him go, Amy sighs and begins smoothing down her hair with one hand, picking up her gun with the other. Giving her head a quick shake, she aims and begins firing)  
(Next scene shows Sheldon releasing the ladder, stepping away and turning - to find Bernadette, Penny, Howard and Raj all staring at him)  
Sheldon: Oh, come on!  
Penny: Way to go, stud!  
Raj: I honestly didn't think you had it in you. Pun intended.  
Bernadette: Um, Sheldon, you're supposed to be on watch...  
Sheldon: God...(turns around and climbs back up)  
Howard (to Penny): NOW he's a Texan.  
(next scene shows Sheldon sitting next to Amy)  
Amy: I've been expecting you.  
Sheldon: I know you have.  
Amy: Where would you be if you weren't on watch with me?  
Sheldon: That depends. Does your implication rest on my whereabouts if you hadn't literally awakened the dead?  
Amy: Yes.  
Sheldon: I think we both know the answer to that. (looks at her) You're the reason I'm here.  
Amy: Sheldon, that's so romantic.  
Sheldon: That was not my intention. I'm saying, I could be in a nice warm bed right now if you hadn't made a fool of me. Instead I'm stuck here, listening to gunfire and subjected to insomnia.  
Amy: By my side.  
Sheldon: Of course.  
Amy: Where you belong?  
(awkward silence)  
Amy: Sheldon, why did you simply thank me when I said...(pauses as Sheldon averts his eyes)...those words? I want you to say them back - that's why I'm here.  
Sheldon: I'd prefer not to disclose...  
Amy: Sheldon, I've told you everything about me. All I'm asking of you is honesty; it's not fair to me if you string me along.  
(eerie silence)  
Sheldon: I haven't said it because - (stops talking and looks over his shoulder)  
Howard: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.  
Sheldon: You wouldn't have, if you hadn't spoken.  
Howard: Sorry, I know. I just needed some space away from Bernadette.  
Sheldon: You're quarreling?  
Howard: I wish. (hesitates, then blurts) She's, uh, it's...you know...her...Y'know...  
Sheldon: No, I don't.  
Amy: Oh, God, now?  
Howard: Yeah. And there weren't any women here until now, so...she has nothing.  
Amy: My backpack, middle pouch, secret compartment.  
Howard: Oh, Amy to the rescue!  
Amy: I'm on watch. You'll have to do it for me.  
(Howard opens his mouth, only to make a pitiful squeaking noise)  
Amy: Stay strong, man.  
(Whimpering, Howard turns and goes inside)  
Sheldon: The epitome of strength.  
Amy: Indeed.  
(both stare)  
Sheldon (sighing): The reason I haven't, is because...um...I can't say.  
Amy: Wow. Look at you, keeping a secret. As a scientist, I'm amazed at your progress. As your girlfriend, I'm hurt.  
Sheldon (sighing): I said those words once. But...then she died at the hands of her very own old man. And from then on, I focused on science. Tried to forget.  
Amy: You mean...you've felt love before?  
Sheldon (whisper): Yes. (speaks normally) Oh, yes.  
Amy: I...I don't know what to say.  
Sheldon: I made a vow to never again let myself go. And until tonight, it was working.  
Amy: What do you mean, until tonight?  
(they stare at each other)  
Amy: I...I'm sorry. You...Go to bed, Sheldon.  
Sheldon: But we're on watch.  
Amy: It's okay.  
(2 second pause)  
Sheldon: Are you sure?  
Amy: Yeah.  
Sheldon: Okay...Then, goodnight.  
Amy: Goodnight.  
(Sheldon leaves)  
(commercial break would be here)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Howard is pawing through Amy's backpack when Penny comes in)  
Penny: What are you doing, you pervert?!  
Howard: I'm looking for feminine supplies.  
Penny: Oh God.  
Howard: It's no big deal, at least not to Amy.  
Penny: What are you going on about?  
Howard: She told me where to find them.  
Penny: Ugh, it got messy up there, didn't it?  
Howard: No, no, they're for Bernadette.  
Penny (brightly): Oh. Have fun with that.  
(Howard disappears down the hall as Sheldon enters the bedroom)  
Penny: Hello, stranger!  
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. (curls up in bed, with his backside facing her)  
Penny: Really, Sheldon? The silent treatment? That's impressive.  
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. 'Night.  
Penny (suspiciously): Goodnight...(watches him as she gets into bed)  
(Next scene shows Howard walking quickly down the hallway, holding the feminine supplies away from him)  
Howard: Oh, ew. Oh, gross. Oh, no. Oh frack...(approaches and knocks on the bathroom door)  
Bernadette: Howie?  
Howard: Yeah, Howie here.  
Bernadette: You're going to have to come in!  
(Howard groans and enters the bathroom; the inside of which isn't shown)  
Bernadette: Thank you so much, you big brave man.  
Howard: Big?  
Bernadette: I'm saying it out of love.  
Howard: Oh. You're welcome.  
(pause)  
Bernadette: Um...You still love me, right?  
(Scene fades into next, in which Bernadette eagerly joins Amy on the roof)  
Bernadette: Finally free!  
Amy: You're still talking to me? After I killed millions with my virus and gave up on the cure?  
Bernadette: I'm not pleased with your decision...But I'd rather be killed by you than those things.  
Amy: Oh...I'm so honored! You're such a tiger!  
Bernadette: You don't have any immediate plans, though, right?  
Amy: Why would you ever think that?  
Bernadette: You basically just admitted you wanted to. The gun isn't of any consolation either.  
Amy: Nobody's getting shot. Certainly not by me!  
Bernadette: That's good. It wasn't the freedom I had in mind.  
(mutual silence)  
Amy: So, Howard, huh?  
Bernadette: Yeah. That took a lot of courage.  
Amy: Nah, men are just wimps when it comes to that.  
Bernadette: True...But if I were a guy I'd...well, let's just say I'd have a similar problem provoked by fear.  
Amy: Ew.  
Bernadette: Yeah, that's all my wife would need.  
Amy: Okay, crossing into weird here! Bernadette, you're married. To a man. And you're Catholic!  
(Bernadette shoots twice)  
Amy: I wonder if you're converting?  
Bernadette: I wouldn't worry. (shoots once more)  
Amy: Why not?  
Bernadette: I'm not shooting the living.  
Amy: You're still shooting people.  
Bernadette: Those things aren't people! They were, once - not now!  
Amy: They're just like you and me. They're just sick.  
Bernadette: The dead don't get sick.  
(awkward silence)  
Bernadette (standing): I'm sorry. I love you like a sister. (points gun at Amy's head) But you're the one who isn't well.  
(tense 5 second pause as Amy blinks back tears)  
Leonard (quietly): What's going on here?  
Bernadette (whisper): She thinks they're people.  
Leonard: Put down the gun, Bernadette.  
Bernadette (speaking normally): She's a threat to everyone here!  
Leonard: And you're so much better, drawing a gun to her head?  
(Bernadette slowly lowers the gun)  
Leonard: Amy is still people. Never do that again. (looks at Amy) And you...How dare you say that? You're a neurobiologist, not a psychiatric ward patient. You see one of those things, you shoot.  
Amy (quietly): Yes, sir.  
Bernadette (insincerely): Sorry.  
Leonard: Good. (sighs) Guys, this isn't funny. This is one thing in life you can't consider. Not ever, not even for a moment!  
Bernadette (sincerely, breaking into tears): Okay! I'm sorry!  
Amy (hugging Bernadette): Easy, tiger.  
(Leonard watches in confusion)  
Amy: Why don't you go to bed, Howard's probably waiting up for you.  
(Bernadette quietly goes inside)  
Amy: Okay, from now on just agree with whatever she says.  
Leonard: What if she says you're a threat you and must die?  
Amy: That's different, of course - I'd expect you to know that.  
Leonard: Right.  
(mutual silence)  
Amy: You know, I'm glad things are working out the way they are. You're getting married, Howard has, and Sheldon finally admitted he loves me.  
Leonard: He did?  
Amy (as over her shoulder a group of zombies are seen approaching the building from down below): Yes. Tonight was the best night of my life. I mean, if you and I had ended up together; we probably would've jumped into bed already and it would have been an empty relationship.  
Leonard: Your relationship with Sheldon is kind of empty...  
Amy: It is. But I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. He'll get to where I am, where I've always been, and it will be perfect.  
Leonard: That's going to be a long wait. (catches her serious look) Unless, of course, his body is ahead of his heart, like it was tonight.  
Amy: That didn't happen.  
Leonard: What?  
Amy: I tricked you. He didn't have sex with me...  
Leonard: You know how weird this all is? How wrong? What we thought of him afterward?  
Amy: Give the man a break, you don't know him at all!  
Leonard (as over his shoulder a swarm of zombies are seen approaching the building from down below): Excuse me, I know my roommate better than you do. Your judgment is clouded by fake lovemaking.  
Amy: My judgment is spot on. You have no idea what he went through.  
Leonard: Church?  
Amy: No. See? You're smart, but you can't see the forest for the trees.  
Leonard: I have eagle eyes, nothing gets past me. (both look ahead to see two dozen zombies looking up at them) Uh-oh.  
(Amy and Leonard stand quickly and head for the ladder)  
(Next scene shows Penny turning over and looking at Sheldon's back. She stares at him for a moment before Leonard and Amy walk in. Completely ignoring Penny, they split up and begin loading their guns with ammo; grabbing armfuls of it when the task is finished)  
Leonard (jogging out of the room after Amy): Move!  
(Penny gets out of bed and heads toward the door. She stops briefly in her tracks to look at Sheldon, who appears to be asleep but has a tear sliding down his face. Penny sighs, grabs two walkie-talkies and leaves the room; and seconds later Sheldon opens his eyes, sighs, and pulls the blanket over his head. Next scene shows Penny joining Amy and Leonard in her pajamas, unarmed. She arrives just in time to see Amy and Leonard begin shooting)  
Penny: Oh, hell.  
Amy (pointing to the left): Leonard, look!  
(Leonard and Penny look to find Alvin walking with the zombies)  
Leonard: Is that who I think it is?  
Penny: I think so.  
Amy: Spare him!  
Leonard: Why?  
Amy: I don't know.  
(Leonard gives her an odd look, but avoids Alvin while shooting. Finally, only the one zombie remains)  
Penny: What're you going to do with him?  
Amy: I don't know.  
Leonard: Okay, so...what do you know?  
Amy: He can't be shot.  
Leonard: Okay...he won't be.  
Amy: Excellent.  
Penny: I don't understand.  
Amy (trying to laugh): Me neither.  
(Penny takes Leonard's gun and hops onto the tank; drawing Alvin closer. As Leonard and Amy watch in concealed fear; Penny opens the tank and jumps into safety. She quickly emerges with six feet of rope and a bandana)  
Amy: Penny? What're you doing?  
Penny: Risking my life because you wanted to spare a dead man. Obviously.  
Leonard: This isn't a good idea.  
Amy: Yeah, I take it back, you can shoot him.  
Penny: No, no! You want him? I've got him. (hesitates; then jumps off the tank and tackles him to the ground. Alvin fights, but in no time Penny has him gagged and tied. She stands back and observes her work)  
Amy: Oh, damn. I'm so glad you're not mad at me anymore. (climbs down to join Alvin, who struggles uselessly) I'll go tie him up next to Claire. Misery does love company, right? (after accepting a walkie-talkie Penny offers, Amy pulls Alvin to his feet and drags him onto the bus; locking the door. She tosses the key onto the nearest seat, pushing Alvin toward Claire. She begins tying Alvin down beside his mother when suddenly, Claire screams, frightening Amy; who looks at her with a terrified expression on her face)  
Amy (in disbelief and fear): Claire?  
(Claire lifts her head. One eye is perfectly human, but the other eye is still a milky fog)  
Amy: I almost wet myself! Oh, my goodness. Oh wow. The cure. (manages to laugh; but Claire is silent, simply observing her) Hey, quit looking at me like that. Yeah, I ran a small test, but you were dead!  
(Claire bows her head and screams again)  
Amy: Oh, I get it. Okay, be quiet, here...(unties the ropes and Claire begins shuffling around the bus, sighing and moaning. Amy finishes tying Alvin up) Can't believe the cure worked. Oh, of course! (grabs the walkie talkie and speaks into it) Hello, Amy here.  
(Next scene shows Penny and Leonard listening to Amy's voice filter through the device)  
Amy (through the walkie-talkie): You guys won't believe this, but the cure works! It took awhile for the antidote to kick in, but Claire's back! (continues as Leonard and Penny hug one another) But something's not quite right and I really need Sheldon.  
Leonard (into the walkie-talkie): I'll go get him.  
Amy (through the walkie-talkie): Thank you.  
(Leonard leaves)  
Penny (into the walkie-talkie): So, Amy, still give up?  
(Next scene shows Amy)  
Amy (into the walkie-talkie): No.  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
Leonard (gently shaking on Sheldon's shoulder): Hey, get up. (pauses for three seconds, then shakes his shoulder again) Sheldon...(pauses for four more seconds, then hits him against the collarbone) Get up!  
(Sheldon sits up quickly and looks in anguish at Leonard)  
Leonard: Come on, Amy needs you.  
Sheldon (getting out of bed immediately): Is she alright?  
Leonard: Yeah, fine, come on. (leads Sheldon out of the room)  
(Next scene shows Amy sitting beside Alvin)  
Amy (after Claire moans): Yeah, I hear you. Your son is tied up and you were dead. Life's a bitch. (there's a knock on the bus door) Excuse me a moment...(goes to the front and smiles through the glass at Sheldon's distinguished form before opening the door) Hi.  
Sheldon: What's happening?  
Amy (gesturing to Claire): It's my cure. It brought her back but now all she does is that.  
Sheldon: Does what?  
(Claire screams)  
Sheldon: I see. You're the neurobiologist, why am I here?  
Amy: Because you're smart and I need you to wing it.  
Sheldon: You want me to fight her?  
Amy: No! That means to guess!  
Sheldon: But you're the neurobiologist!  
Amy: I'm too tired and high-strung to think right now.  
Sheldon: Alright...(looks at Claire) Well, it shouldn't be so hard for you to figure out. When a person dies, they lose their soul - at least, that's what my mother always told me.  
Amy: So?  
Sheldon: So, she doesn't have one. She's still dead on the inside.  
Amy: Then why did I make a cure?  
Sheldon: That's a stupid question...  
Amy: Well, what would you say?  
Sheldon: I'd say - why did you make the disease?  
Amy: Work?  
Sheldon: I think your job hit rock bottom.  
Amy: So...no soul?  
Sheldon: I can't think of any other reason.  
Amy: I think she'd rather be dead.  
Sheldon: As would I, in such a position. If life's a bitch, and death is her sister...Well, then it goes without saying that she must be in absolute hell. Which I didn't believe in till now.  
Amy: I believed in hell.  
Sheldon: Really?  
Amy: Yes. What I didn't believe in was that cliché.  
Sheldon: I don't understand.  
Amy: If life is so terrible; why do people grieve when loved ones go to that better place they mention all the time?  
Sheldon: Theoretically that's an ingenious thought. In reality you know why. Being able to touch someone for years, just whenever the mood strikes, and then suddenly not being able to - (voice catches and he stops talking) Or never hearing their voice, or seeing their face - I should go. (opens the door, then pauses) Congratulations on the cure. (leaves quickly)  
Amy (shutting the door before joining Alvin again): If life is a bitch, and death is her sister, then obviously God has siblings. (Claire moans) Oh, shut up, you religious half-dead nut, it was just a joke.  
Penny (through the walkie-talkie): Amy, stay inside!  
(Amy looks up to see the bus is surrounded by zombies)  
Amy: Sheldon?  
Sheldon: It's okay, I made it!  
Amy: Oh, damn, this is bad! I'm sorry I ever started this thing!  
Penny: It's okay, just stay down and keep quiet!  
(Claire screams and the zombies close in on the bus)  
(Next scene shows Sheldon and Penny watching from the roof)  
Amy: Oh, God no, why?  
Penny: I don't know, be cool!  
Amy: Hey, I'm frozen here. I'm not the soulless woman screaming her head off in here. (hesitates, then speaks back into the walkie-talkie) Do some damn shooting, why don't you!  
Penny: I don't want to attract more of them!  
Amy: That wasn't a concern before.  
Penny: You weren't stuck inside before!  
(Next scene shows Amy as she slides down low)  
Amy: I'm not fooling them, they saw me! Shoot, damn it!  
Penny: I can't!  
(Gunfire)  
(Next scene shows Sheldon and Penny watching from the roof. Sheldon is aiming his gun)  
Penny: Sheldon, no, you'll attract more!  
Sheldon: I'll take discretion to that matter later. (begins firing)  
Penny (aiming): Ah, you tard.  
(Next scene shows Amy as she injects the cure into Alvin's brain)  
Penny: Okay, it's safe. Get back here while the going's good.  
(Amy leaves the bus and hurries back to unquestioned safety. As she ascends the ladder to the rooftop; Penny takes Amy's weapon and Sheldon helps Amy up the rest of the way)  
Leonard (breaking the silence): Do you...want some privacy?  
Sheldon: No.  
Amy: Yes.  
Sheldon: Yes?  
Amy: Yes.  
(Leonard and Penny leave)  
Amy: Thank you, for getting me out of there. I won't sleep tonight, but - it's probably better that way.  
Sheldon: Sarcasm?  
Amy: No. (smiles at his clueless expression)  
Sheldon: I'll never understand that.  
Amy: I'll teach you.  
Sheldon: My friends have been trying for years.  
Amy: They must not be doing it right. It's a simple thing, and you're smart.  
Sheldon: Thank you, but I don't need to hear that. I know it. (pauses) Why the secrecy?  
Amy: I want to apologize for...making you remember her. And it pains me to say this, but if you let your past control your future, I can't be with you.  
Sheldon: I thought you loved me.  
Amy: I do, and you hinted that you felt the same. But that's as far as it's gotten. I don't want you to forget the girl that made you who you are, but I don't want her to be the reason you never let go. (sighs and sits at the edge of the roof) I said earlier that I was willing to wait forever. But I've done some thinking. And...I don't want my last few moments of my life spent wishing you'd...I don't know...loved me as much as you did her.  
Sheldon: Is that what this is about? My, you have the brains of a shellfish.  
Amy (as Sheldon sits beside her): Insults. Wonderful.  
Sheldon: You must excuse me, I'm from Texas. (hesitates) Amy, you have gone through two deaths, correct?  
Amy: Yes.  
Sheldon: Did you witness one or both of them?  
Amy: Neither.  
Sheldon: I've gone through four - three, if you don't include Alvin, whom I assume you brought back. (continues as Amy nods) The other three were my mother and presumably my sister; and Christine.  
Amy: Christine?  
Sheldon: The homicide victim. Anyway, I witnessed Christine's attack. Although I hadn't witnessed my mother's nor Missy's, I have no reason to believe they survived.  
Amy: I think you're just holding back on faith.  
Sheldon (sighing): My birthday was yesterday. They would've called.  
Amy: On what?  
(Sheldon takes out a cell phone)  
Amy: Oh. Well, call them.  
Sheldon: I have, numerously. Anyway, my point is, I'm trying harder than you think to help make this work. I just can't concentrate.  
Amy: Would a belated birthday party take your mind off things?  
Sheldon: For awhile, but I dislike parties. It would be more of a chore.  
Amy: You like chores.  
Sheldon: I wouldn't like this one. Besides, who has the time?  
Amy: Sheldon, you can't let the past affect you now.  
Sheldon: On the contrary. The past is what made me. The future will only further define me.  
Amy: That sounds ingenious...theoretically.  
Sheldon: I wasn't speaking theoretically. Do you know what happened the night Christine died?  
Amy: No.  
Sheldon: Of course not. Her father was always a heavy drinker. When she entered her teen years he began doing drugs as well. Doing, selling and dealing. She was seventeen when it happened; she had been grounded for being involved in theft. On one of the nights she was grounded; she decided to sneak out and go to a party. I walked her home afterward, and we went up the trellis under her bedroom window. Her father was inside. She was ahead of me, and when she was caught there was a lot of screaming, a lot of yelling...I stayed on the ladder, even though she was crying and yelling my name all at once. And when she was dead, her father came after me. And when I ran, I didn't go home. He didn't know where I lived and he wasn't going to find out. So I got on a bus and got as close to the train station as I could. I hid on the train and wound up in Pasadena.  
Amy: Wow.  
Sheldon: I gave my new address to my mother and sister; and although they remained in Texas, they visited me immediately, and occasionally since. I've only been to Texas once since all that.  
Amy: Wow.  
Sheldon: When you ask me to have faith, I need to remind myself to act as though you have me mistaken for my mother.  
Amy: I could never do that. If there's one constantly unsatisfied woman you resemble, it's Leonard's mother.  
Sheldon (amused): How kind. (hesitates for a few seconds) Well, I suppose it's time we turn in. (gets up and looks at Amy) Oh, I'm sorry; do you have more to say?  
Amy (standing): Yeah, I do.  
Sheldon: I'm listening.  
Amy: What did you love about Christine?  
Sheldon: Everything. Now are we finished? I'm really exhausted.  
Amy (sighing): Yeah, let's go.  
(They go inside)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Next scene shows Priya suffering insomnia. She looks to her left, at Raj; who is sleeping peacefully. Sighing, she turns over and sees Sheldon and Amy asleep on the same bed. As Priya watches, Amy sighs and rolls over, turning into Sheldon. Priya turns again onto her back and sits up; looking over at Raj. Sheldon's voice brings her attention back in his direction)  
Sheldon: Christine...Zombie behind you...  
(Priya watches silently)  
Sheldon: Stop hitting Amy.  
(As Priya smiles sardonically; Amy stirs. There is a brief silence)  
Sheldon (yelling suddenly and waking everyone up): Riser! Riser!  
(Penny has aimed her gun before she realizes he's talking in his sleep. Sighing heavily, she puts the gun back under her bed)  
Howard: We'll never sleep for a whole night again.  
Penny: Well, at least Amy has a new topic to study.  
Amy: I do?  
Penny: Yeah. How come the person who screams in his sleep, only wakes up those around him but never himself?  
Amy: That would be impossible to study. I cannot perform neurobiology on a living person.  
Penny: Oh...too bad. You would be the first person; you could write up a paper and call it NeuroNews...Hell, even I'd read it.  
Bernadette: Hmm.  
Howard: What?  
Bernadette: Oh, I was just wondering if it's possible to bend the laws of neuroscience.  
Amy: I'm not going to try. At least not on Sheldon.  
Penny: Well, you kinda brought Claire back; what about using her for your experiment?  
Amy: She doesn't a have a soul, it wouldn't count.  
Leonard: How is she alive without a soul?  
Amy (after a brief pause): I'm a neurobiologist, not a medium.  
Bernadette: Thank goodness.  
Amy: What do you mean? I like Allison Dubois, and she's a medium. I'd be proud to do what she does.  
Bernadette: Yes, but Theresa Caputo is a medium too, and she just tells you what you want to hear. She isn't skilled in any way, she's just a therapist. The pay is the only reason she gives a crap.  
Leonard: Excuse me, my mother's a therapist and she's almost too skilled. In every way.  
Bernadette: Oh, but that's different, people actually like your mother.  
Amy: My apologies, Leonard. I didn't think it would become a personal matter.  
Leonard: Thank you, Amy.  
Bernadette: Don't you realize she's just saying what you want her to say? Just like Caputo. Except without getting paid for it. Caputo's doing it for money, like any other prostitute; but Amy manages to do it for free.  
Leonard (getting up): Do you want to go? Outside, right now, me and you. I'll knock your block off.  
Howard: You can't fight her, she's...uh, in the red zone.  
Leonard: Hot water?  
Howard: No.  
Leonard: Angry?  
Howard: No.  
(brief pause)  
Leonard: Neutron?  
Howard: No!  
(Bernadette whispers in Leonard's ear)  
Leonard: Oh! Oh, okay, ew.  
(Penny glares and he nervously shifts his weight)  
Amy: Now all the women here have to kick your ass.  
Leonard: If anybody here should get into a fight with anyone; Bernadette would be up against Theresa! I mean - for guys, periods are just nasty.  
Penny: Oh, and for girls it's so much better.  
Leonard: Probably. We don't know what's going on; one minute his girlfriend is smiling and happy and the next she's in tears. It's frustrating; it's the monster that comes once a month to goof us up.  
Penny: Really? The guys get goofed up, is that how you see it?  
Leonard: Yeah. With girls, they know what to expect. They might even write it all down; but with guys there are no warnings. There are just mistakes; and we don't know what went wrong until we get that inevitable smack on the head!  
Amy: He says it as if he doesn't want to be smacked on the head; but yet he keeps talking.  
(all the girls laugh; the guys just sit there)  
Penny: Y'know, you would think that after thirty-plus years of not having sex, not being kissed, not being touched...you would just think guys would shut up and take the bad with the good. The better or the worse.  
Amy: Yeah, it's not like we're spewing every day of our lives without breaks. Just a few days out of the month and they lose it. And think they have it tough, of all the nerve!  
Penny: Tell me about it.  
Bernadette: And childbirth! My God! I'd always hoped that guys would treat women properly. I mean, honestly, the fate of the future is through us! If a woman is abused by her husband and she miscarries; that woman might've lost a person very important to society. A nurse, like Claire...a scientist, like us...I mean, it's no wonder the percentage of lesbians on the planet is up to twenty-three percent.  
Penny: I'm confused.  
Amy: The lesbian way?  
Penny: No, I just don't understand why that's a 'no wonder'.  
Bernadette: Well, women can be rapists, but they can't get other women pregnant. If I didn't have Howie I'd probably be looking for the same thing he would be.  
Amy: That is a good point.  
Penny: Yeah, totally.  
(the guys watch in silent amazement as Bernadette and Penny follow Amy out of the room)  
Raj: What just happened?  
Leonard: Something bad.  
Howard: That much we know. (looks at Raj) See, it's like this. Like every typical guy, Leonard doesn't like the idea of his girlfriend getting soaked on the driest of days.  
(Leonard and Raj make disgusted faces at him. Simultaneously, Penny comes up from behind)  
Penny: Okay, Leonard, I forgive you. And Howard?  
(Howard looks over his shoulder and Penny bitch slaps him. As Penny stalks out of the room, grabbing her purse while she goes, Howard slowly looks back at the guys, who stare at him in shock)  
Leonard: You okay?  
Howard: I'm even better than before!  
Leonard (throwing something at him): You better sleep with your eyes open.  
(1 second pause)  
Sheldon (silencing them all): What's all the commotion?  
(Leonard, Raj and Howard attempt to stifle their misery)  
Sheldon (climbing down to the floor): There'd better be a closet here somewhere with my name on it. (grabs a gun and leaves the room)  
Howard: And it better lock.  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Next scene shows Bernadette and Amy on the roof)  
Amy: Anytime you're ready to apologize to me for holding me at gunpoint, I'm all ears.  
Bernadette: I'm not sorry.  
Amy: What? Why not?  
Bernadette: The moment you decided they're still people, you should've died. You didn't just because of Leonard.  
(Next scene shows Penny ascending the ladder and staying hidden within the ceiling as she eavesdrops)  
Amy (as Penny is still shown): Don't you care about Penny and how this affects her?  
Bernadette: Would it affect her at all?  
Amy: Excuse me?  
Bernadette: Come on, look at you. She wouldn't miss you, I wouldn't miss you; and Sheldon would just forget like he forgot about Christine.  
(Next scene shows Bernadette and Amy as Amy attacks Bernadette)  
Amy: You know Sheldon loves me!  
Bernadette: Yeah right; do you really think your fake lovemaking stayed secret?  
Amy: Leonard told you?!  
Bernadette: He told all of us, it was hysterical.  
(Penny is shown again as Amy is heard shrieking. Penny quickly climbs up onto the roof)  
Amy: I'm going to kick your ass so hard, your tailbone will play your spine like a xylophone.  
Bernadette: You need to be able to actually kick for that.  
(Amy begins choking Bernadette; but both freeze when they hear a metallic click. They look at Penny, who has drawn a gun and pointed it at them)  
Amy (releasing Bernadette and standing with both hands in the air): We were just...playing...  
(Eerie silence)  
Bernadette: Penny?  
(Penny suddenly fires; and Amy and Bernadette scream. However, they both fall silent when they hear a thump behind them. They open their eyes and turn to see a raccoon laying on the floor; its zombie eyes turned skyward)  
Penny (after blowing on the tip of her gun): Eyes open, holes closed.  
(Amy and Bernadette are quiet, trying to regain composure)  
Penny: 'Kay, now both of you go inside, you're useless out here.  
(Amy and Bernadette go inside. Penny kicks the dead raccoon off the roof and looks over the edge as human zombies bear down on it)  
(Next scene shows Bernadette as she enters the room)  
Howard (looking over at her and smiling): There you are!  
Bernadette (looking grumpy): I need to confess something to you.  
Howard (sobering): Okay, sure.  
Bernadette: I drew a gun to Amy's head.  
Howard (after hesitating): Okay, so you made a minor err in judgement.  
Bernadette: I'm not sorry.  
Howard: Okay, you made a BIG err in judgement.  
Bernadette: It's not like I actually went through with it...She just made it so difficult for me to walk away! Which I only did because of Leonard.  
Howard: Okay. Okay, first off, you need to apologize to Amy.  
Bernadette: Can't. She knows I'm not sorry.  
Howard: Then you need to apologize to Sheldon.  
Bernadette (making a face): Sheldon? Why?  
Howard: Because he loves her and this will hurt him, and it wasn't Sheldon you were mad at.  
Bernadette: And what if an apology doesn't cut it?  
Howard: Then tell him that because of the zombies, none of us will be mad for long anyway.  
Bernadette: Fine...can I do that tomorrow?  
Howard: Sure, if Amy doesn't get to him first...Where IS Amy, by the way?  
Bernadette: Looking for Sheldon.  
Howard: Closet.  
(Bernadette gets off the bed but Howard stops her. When she waits; he sighs and begrudgingly hands her the key)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Amy is walking through the military base; trying to be quiet. After a few seconds of silence, she rounds a corner and bumps right into Bernadette; who groans and runs down one of the hallways. Amy makes a face at her fleeting figure and continues until she finds a door, half hidden in the shadows and closed all the way. She opens it and finds a staircase leading into the darkness. Amy shuts the door and hurries up the stairs; stepping onto a wooden floor. Sheldon is curled up on the floor under a blanket. The tip of a gun pokes out from under it.)  
Amy (muttering to self): That's comforting.  
(She slides the gun further away from Sheldon and joins him under the blanket)  
(Next scene shows Penny waking up on the roof. She looks around and then screams as a bird swoops in on her. As it disappears into a nearby tree, Penny regains composure and looks at the parrot; which stares back at her with lively eyes)  
Parrot: Located at 2670 Tuscany Street. Suite 101. Corona, California. Please help.  
(Penny stares)  
(commercial break would be here)

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hah! The world might be ending, but airmail is forever!_


	4. Chapter 4

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Sheldon wakes up to see Amy asleep beside him. He almost smiles before movement out the window across from him catches his eyes. He looks up to see Penny turning toward the ladder, with a parrot on her arm. He steps over Amy and opens the gigantic sliding door leading directly to the roof)  
Sheldon: Penny?  
Penny (turning): Yeah.  
Sheldon: Where's your eye patch?  
Penny (carrying the bird past Sheldon and inside): Bazinga?  
Sheldon (closing the door): Of course.  
Penny (as Amy awakens): 'Kay, check it out, I'm just sitting there, keeping watch...from yesterday. And this parrot comes out of nowhere and gives me an address. 2670 Tuscany Street. Suite 101, Corona, California.  
Sheldon: Why, that's a restaurant!  
Amy: You know?  
Sheldon: Of course I know. It was my first stop when I jumped off that train. (looks back at Penny and catches her stare) Story for another day.  
Penny: Okay, so great; where is this place?  
Sheldon: Forty-five miles northeast.  
Amy: Are...are we really going?  
Sheldon: Not all of us. Just some of us, a soldier or two and the parrot.  
Penny: I'll go!  
Sheldon: Of course you'll go. The parrot came to you.  
Amy: Who else?  
Sheldon: Well, Howard won't want to; Leonard will want to because Penny's going; Bernadette will say she can't; Priya and Raj will both want to but Howard will say they shouldn't...So Penny, you and I are going. (turns around): And Penny, I - (stops talking and looks for Penny)  
(Next scene shows Penny carrying the parrot into the bedroom)  
Penny: Hey guys, wake up.  
Leonard (into his pillow): Were the zombies just a dream?  
Penny: No.  
Leonard: Then we'll pass.  
Penny: But there's someone really important here I want you to meet!  
Leonard (after rolling over with a groan and sitting up): Where the hell did that come from?  
Penny (as Raj and Howard sit up in curiosity): I found him. Neat, right?  
Raj (after a quick gulp of Chardonnay): Where's your eye patch?  
(The guys laugh)  
Penny: Sheldon just said that.  
(The guys stop laughing)  
Raj: S-sorry.  
(brief pause)  
Penny: Sheldon and Amy and I are heading out for a bit. We should be back either tonight or tomorrow.  
Leonard: You aren't leaving here without me.  
Raj: Dude, no offense; but she doesn't need you.  
Leonard: Well...(hesitates) I'm still going.  
Penny (leading Leonard out): 'Bye, guys.  
Leonard: We're leaving now?  
Penny: Yeah.  
Leonard (sounding empty): Oh. (looks over his shoulder) See ya. (closes the door on his way out)  
(Raj and Howard sit in silence for a few seconds. Then Sheldon walks in and takes three extra guns and some ammo)  
Sheldon (leaving again): Live long and prosper. (shuts door)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Scene shows a slow zoom shot of one car speeding along an otherwise deserted road. With no transition, scene becomes next; in which Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon are seen in the truck. Penny drives; Leonard is in the passenger seat; and Sheldon and Amy sit in the back)  
Amy (after observing): You two seem tense. Are either of you having regrets about your marriage?  
(Sheldon's snicker is the only answer. Amy and Leonard look at him, and Penny views him briefly with the rear view mirror)  
Leonard (after mimicking laugh): What?  
Sheldon: I'm just having a hard time processing how it finally happened for you.  
Amy (concentrating on Sheldon): Agreed. Penny tells me Leonard had said he would no longer propose.  
Sheldon: Way to keep a promise to your sexual partner, friend.  
Penny: Excuse me! This is a very private matter!  
Sheldon: Think I just mentioned that.  
(4 second silence)  
Leonard: I hope we aren't rescuing a serial killer.  
Penny (looking amused): I kinda hope we are. The way things are now, it'd be a blessing to die because of a bullet wound.  
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, Leonard, you married a psycho.  
Leonard: No, actually, I kind of agree with her on that. At least it's faster.  
Amy: More normal.  
(2 second pause)  
Penny: Kinder.  
(3 second pause before Amy, Leonard and Penny all begin laughing. Sheldon quietly observes them. Amy, noticing his unusual silence, looks at him and immediately tries to keep a straight face)  
Amy (voice breaking with suppressed humor): Guys, that's not funny.  
Penny: Oh, come on, yes it is. And you know it. The irony! It's great!  
Amy (suddenly completely serious): It's not funny at all, bestie.  
Sheldon: You know, all three of you have some serious issues. In a world better than ours, I'd suggest therapy for all of you.  
(2 second silence as Penny sobers up)  
Penny: I'll never see my dad again.  
Amy: At least you knew yours.  
(5 second silence, during which all of them come to horrible realizations. Scene fades into next; in which Bernadette, Howard, Priya and Raj are sitting on the beds)  
Bernadette: This is kind of weird without Sheldon saying something every two seconds. Like clockwork.  
Howard: Yeah...It's great, isn't it?  
Raj (bouncing in his seat like a kid): Yeah, finally my head can catch a break.  
Priya: I actually didn't mind him. He kept better company than Penny.  
Howard: Hey, what's wrong with Penny?!  
Priya: If you don't know, then obviously she's gotten to you.  
Raj (getting angry): Why are you making her sound like a bedbug?  
Priya (smiling): What a perfect comparison, Raj! The nuisance that never leaves, very appropriate.  
Howard (slowly and distinctly): What's wrong with her?  
Priya: She wanted to test Leonard's commitment to her. So she asked if I would flirt with him.  
Bernadette: There's nothing wrong with that. Unless of course you did it...  
Priya: There's a lot wrong with that! Asking another woman to flirt with your man is a big deal, and a very stupid thing to do. (pauses) Well, she DID go to community college...  
Howard: Okay, stop. There's nothing wrong with Penny. You're just jealous because she meant more to Leonard the day they met than you ever did.  
Priya: Howard...I'm an educated woman who can actually reach a box of crackers on my own; I think I can do better.  
Bernadette: The only surviving man who loves you is your brother.  
Raj: And it's a very different kind of love!  
Priya: I'm glad to hear it. Thing is, Penny's playing tricks with your minds! (begins counting off with her fingers) She manipulated me into flirting with Leonard. She split up the group because of a dumb bird.  
Howard: Yeah, but -  
Priya (cutting him off): And despite knowing you, the man whore, are always at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment; she continually waltzes in there dressed like the slut she is. Out of our entire group, she only likes three people - Amy, Bernadette and her boy toy.  
Howard: Boy toy? They're married; and very much in love. If she were a slut, she would've slept with all the guys and then left.  
Bernadette: Well...she did sleep with Raj...  
Priya: She also told me you - (points to Howard) - tried kissing her after she said some sweet nothings to you.  
Bernadette: You tried what?!  
Howard: That was a long time ago, a-a-and she broke my nose when I tried!  
Bernadette: But the bottom line is, you tried!  
Howard: That was before I met you; don't make it personal.  
(Bernadette leaves, slamming the door behind her)  
Raj: Way to go, Priya.  
Priya: Can I just ask what a community college hooker is doing with a bunch of nerds like yourselves?  
(thick silence)  
Priya: Why didn't she leave after she got the man she wanted? Why did she screw my brother, and then keep coming back?  
(silence continues)  
Priya: She told me something the other day and it got me thinking. She said she was beginning to like Sheldon. What if he's next?  
(silence continues for 3 more seconds, during which a very serious Howard looks at Raj)  
Howard: You don't think...  
Raj: Of course I don't; it's preposterous! Penny would never choose Sheldon over the man she already has.  
Howard: She slept with you...  
Raj: We were drunk and she was single. She didn't cheat on him.  
Howard: She wasn't faithful!  
(pause)  
Raj (turning to Priya): Is all this true?  
Priya: How would I ever get people to believe Penny likes Sheldon? This one's on God.  
(Raj sighs and rubs at his eyes)  
Howard: You okay, buddy?  
Raj: I need some air. (leaves)  
Howard: Oh, crap, it makes perfect sense. I should've seen this coming!  
Priya: I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  
Howard: Yeah, well, I'm just glad I know now.  
(Brief delay as they sit in silence. With no transition, scene becomes next; in which Raj steps away from the ladder and then gets off the tank. He steps over the body of the same zombie Claire had killed days ago; and then, noticing the movement inside the bus, quickly realizes he forgot a defense weapon. He turns to go up the tank, and as he climbs up it; a zombie walks around the building and sinks his teeth into Raj's shoulder. Raj screams and falls to his knees as two more zombies approach the first and join the feast. Then, suddenly, all three are shot and Bernadette gets out of the bus, holding her gun)  
Raj: Do it. Shoot me.  
Bernadette: I'm so sorry. (aims the gun) We love you. (looks away and shoots)  
(Brief silence as Bernadette kneels beside him. She reverently touches his hand)  
Bernadette (getting up and walking back to the building): Oh God. (climbs onto the tank. Scene fades into next; in which Bernadette comes into the bedroom and stops when she sees Priya laughing with Howard. Bernadette looks at the box of Kleenex on the dresser beside her. With a small groan, she grabs it and sits beside Priya; staring intently at her)  
Howard: Still mad at me?  
Bernadette (not even looking away from Priya): No. We need each other in this life.  
Howard: Right! So we're -  
Bernadette (finally looking at him): Howard, please, I'm talking to Priya!  
(Howard looks surprised)  
Priya (suspiciously): No you weren't...  
(Bernadette silently gives her the Kleenex)  
Priya: What's this for?  
(7 second silence)  
Bernadette (getting up): Sorry. (leaves room)  
(Howard is seen growing frightened as Priya catches on, and her eyes express barely contained evil)  
(commercial break would be here)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Priya is shown running to Raj's body. She kneels beside him and touches his face, beginning to cry)  
Bernadette (from behind Priya): You know, I've never liked you. But I'll admit, I feel bad for you right now.  
Priya: You did this just to hurt me.  
Bernadette: Excuse me, I'm not the monster that bit him!  
Priya: No, you're the monster that shot him. There's a cure!  
Bernadette: Yes, and our neurobiologist isn't here! What was I supposed to do?  
Priya: Tie him up! Wait a bit!  
Bernadette: He begged me to do it.  
(3 second silence)  
Priya: Really?  
Bernadette: Yeah! He didn't want to suffer.  
Priya (still begrudgingly): I suppose that's different.  
Bernadette: It is. Would you keep alive a wild animal after it got run over? No, you'd put it out of its misery.  
Priya: Are you implying my brother is roadkill?  
Bernadette: You know what I'm implying.  
(eerie silence)  
Bernadette: You aren't the only one here who loved him.  
Priya: But I was the only one who ever loved him as a sibling.  
(another silence)  
Bernadette (as Priya grabs a shovel): You don't need to be the one to bury him.  
Priya: Yeah. I do. (begins digging)  
(Bernadette watches silently until Howard drops from the tank, looking down at Raj in grief and horror)  
Howard: Dear God.  
Bernadette: Maybe I should text Leonard...  
Priya: Good thinking, finally.  
Bernadette: Don't you think this is the wrong time to be a bitch? (smiles innocently and begins texting)  
Howard (pretending to sneeze): Catholic!  
(Bernadette looks questioningly at him)  
Howard: Don't get me wrong, you're sexy when you're pissed...I just think you might be overdoing it.  
Bernadette: I'm not doing it for you. Can't I express myself without you getting in my way?  
Howard: This isn't you.  
Bernadette: You have no right telling me who I am and am not.  
Howard: I'm your husband.  
Bernadette: Yeah, and you aren't doing very well. (ignores their shock and continues texting)  
Howard (getting her attention again): 'Kay, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just having trouble remembering right now that people can change.  
(2 second pause)  
Bernadette: It's okay, forget about it. (texts for a few seconds and then puts the phone away)  
Priya: Wow, that's twice she forgave you. Better count your blessings.  
(Bernadette looks offended. She approaches Priya, who looks distrustingly at her. Bernadette hesitantly puts a hand on Priya's shoulder)  
Bernadette: I'm sorry about your brother.  
Priya (wary): Thank you...  
Bernadette: I want to believe you're a good person, and we all just got off on the wrong foot when we met you. But if you want to be liked by more people than just Leonard; you're going to have to get over him.  
Priya: I am over him!  
Bernadette: No you're not. But why is that clear to everybody but you?  
Priya (sounding less resentful): Because there's nothing to understand!  
Bernadette: He will never have you over her. You know that. He made his choice.  
Priya: Why will nobody listen? I don't want him to choose me! I wanted his attention for a night. He had no intention of sleeping with me or even kissing me; I started it. I knew what it was from the begining! He was MY one night stand.  
Bernadette: Really? But all this time...  
Priya: All this time he was lying. Now why would I want a man like that?  
(Bernadette's cell phone receives a message)  
Priya: If you doubt it, ask him. You already got his attention.  
(Bernadette is shown looking uncertainly at her cell phone before, with no transition, scene becomes next; in which Sheldon, Amy, Penny and Leonard are silent in the car. Leonard swerves past a zombie and briefly looks over his right shoulder)  
Penny: I feel awful.  
Sheldon: Were you bitten?  
Penny: No.  
Sheldon: I think you were bitten.  
Penny: Sheldon, I'm fine...I just feel bad for Priya.  
Amy: You're joking.  
Penny: I wish.  
Amy: Why would you feel bad for that bitch?  
Penny: Um, hello, she just lost her brother!  
Amy: And that's a shame. He was a good guy. But I don't feel bad for Priya.  
Penny: What? Not even a little?  
Amy: Let me put it this way. There's a bigger chance I would pray for your death more than I would mourn hers.  
(Eerie silence until Amy's cell phone receives a message)  
Sheldon (to the oblivious Amy): Your pants are going off.  
Amy (looking up at him in surprise): What?! (hesitates, then pulls out her cell phone, blushing) Oh.  
(Sheldon, still stone-faced, looks at Leonard and Penny, who are desperately trying and horribly failing to keep straight faces)  
Amy: Oh, hell no. (shows Sheldon)  
Sheldon (reading the text aloud): "Sleep with your eyes open, Fowler."  
Leonard (to Penny): Still feel bad for Priya?  
Penny: Yeah. Even more now.  
Amy (shocking everyone): Are you stupid?  
Penny: No! I mean...I hope not. (sighs in frustration) Look, you'd be lucky to be killed by a cop. In today's world, I'd be jealous of you.  
Sheldon: Turn left!  
Leonard (turning left and then laughing): Do you see what I see?  
Penny (peering ahead): The red light?  
Leonard: I'm running it. I always wanted to.  
Sheldon (laughing insincerely): Don't you need to grow two inches first?  
(Leonard is nonresponsive as he accelerates. He drives past the intersection and Sheldon, Amy, Penny and Leonard all simultaneously see the huge cluster of zombies at two opposite sides of the intersection)  
Leonard: Damn it! (stomps on the gas and speeds through the intersection, luring the zombies after them)  
Sheldon (calmly, as sparks fly from the tires): Do any of you want to know how traffic lights operate?  
Penny: Sheldon!  
Sheldon: Yes, Penny.  
Penny: Be quiet!  
(Amy unbuckles with one hand, rolling down her window with the other. She picks up her gun and spares Sheldon a brief glance)  
Amy: For the record, I want to hear all about it when we get back to base.  
Sheldon: I'm looking forward to it.  
(Amy leans out the window and begins shooting. Two seconds go by before Sheldon begins doing as Amy is doing. There is a brief silence)  
Leonard (driving carelessly up to a building): This is it! We're here!  
Penny: Yeah, and all the zombies in the world know it.  
Leonard (sheepishly): Sorry. Okay, let's go! No stalling, let's just get it done.  
(They get out of the car and run to the building. Before they can even knock; the door opens and they come eye to eye with Sheldon's mother, Mary Cooper)  
(commercial break would be here)

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I had to. I just had to!_


	5. Chapter 5

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
Mrs. Cooper: Well, glory be, the Insane Clown Posse has come for us. Get in, get in, all of you. (closes the door behind them as they enter, then hugs Sheldon) I never thought I'd see you again.  
Sheldon: What did you mean by "us"?  
Mrs. Cooper (leading them through the restaurant): Well, you didn't think I had that damn bird trained, now did you?  
(They come into a small room and see Leonard's mother, Beverly Hofstadter)  
(Beverly stands)  
Mrs. Cooper: I never had any patience for talkin' to a bird.  
Dr. Hofstadter: You make it sound like a hobby. Well, rest assured, I am still one hundred percent sane...It was a neccessity.  
Penny (quietly, to Leonard): Sane?  
Leonard: She has a good sense of humor...(stalls) She just doesn't know it.  
Penny (smiling at Dr. Hofstadter): Beverly, your son and I are recently engaged.  
Dr. Hofstadter: Are you...Hmm. I admire your courage.  
Leonard: What?  
Dr. Hofstadter: Oh, nothing personal. I am simply happy you still find faith in such a relationship despite the world ending.  
Leonard (almost insincerely): Nice to see you again, Mother.  
Amy: Um, I hate to interrupt this sweet moment; but the dead have completely swarmed us.  
Dr. Hofstadter: Well, I'm not a fool; I did stabilize an escape.  
Sheldon: Let's get out of here.  
Leonard: Agreed. We're staying at an army base.  
Dr. Hofstadter: An army base! I'm proud of you, Leonard.  
Leonard: Guess I take after you, huh?  
Dr. Hofstadter: In terms of intelligence, perhaps. I'm afraid the height, lactose intolerance, asthma and poor vision was inherited from your father.  
Penny: You can inherit that stuff?  
Dr. Hofstadter (chuckling humorlessly): You can inherit anything, Slugger. (gestures to the back door, which is wide open. The property is fenced off and a U-Haul awaits them; its ramp placed adjacently to the building's back door for easy access)  
Sheldon: This is fantastic.  
Mrs. Cooper: Let's go. I want to see this army base. (The group begins walking) Are there soldiers there too?  
Leonard: Yeah.  
Mrs. Cooper: Are any of them single?  
Leonard: I didn't ask.  
(They board the U-Haul and Mrs. Cooper closes and secures the truck from the outside. Then she walks to the driver's side and gets in; driving through the fence and down the street)  
(scene fades into next; in which Howard is sitting on the rooftop, keeping an eye out for zombies. It is nighttime and he holds a gun with a built-in flashlight under the barrel. As the U-Haul pulls up beside the tanks, Howard shines the flashlight at the people getting out; even startling Penny as he shoots a zombie four feet away from her. Sheldon, Leonard, Amy, Penny, Mrs. Cooper and Dr. Hofstadter climb up the ladder onto the military base ceiling)  
Penny: I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you, Howard.  
Howard (scrutinizing Penny): No problem.  
Leonard: Ooh, nice weapon! You design this yourself?  
Howard: Yep. Turns out boredom is my best inspiration.  
(3 second silence, which is ended when a scream from inside the bus is heard)  
Mrs. Cooper: What on earth was that!  
Penny: Oh...That was Claire. She was bitten but then Amy cured her; so now she's alive but she doesn't have a soul. So she screams a lot.  
Dr. Hofstadter: And nobody here took the liberty to put her out of her misery?  
Mrs. Cooper: Dear God, Beverly, surely you aren't suggesting they kill the girl!  
Dr. Hofstadter: Aren't you aware of what she is? If her soul isn't in that functioning body; she must be in a lot of pain. Surely your God wouldn't insist you let her suffer.  
Leonard (taking his mother by the arm and guiding her toward the hole in the roof): Come on, Ma, I'll...show you around.  
Dr. Hofstadter: Show me around? It's an army base. There are soldiers and there are guns.  
Leonard: They renovated. It's like...a mansion now.  
(Everybody excluding Howard and Sheldon goes inside)  
Sheldon: Don't Jews normally go to bed before midnight?  
Howard: Yes, except for on Hannukah and Passover.  
Sheldon: If you're getting tired, I can relieve you of watch.  
Howard (standing up and giving him the gun): Okay, but be very careful. It took me two years to get this thing designed efficiently.  
Sheldon: I know how to shoot. (turns the safety off) I'm a Texan.  
(Howard goes inside and Sheldon sits at the rooftop edge)  
(Next scene shows everybody excluding Sheldon and of course, Raj, sitting on the furniture in the main room)  
Priya (walking into the room): Oh - hello, Mary. Beverly.  
Mrs. Cooper: Well, there's my favorite Indian.  
Priya (as she stops smiling): Well, that's...the kindest racist remark I've ever gotten. (sits across from her) So did you come all the way here to say happy birthday?  
Mrs. Cooper: Oh - I wasn't even aware it was your birthday. Guess it all boils down to good timing. Happy birthday, sweetheart.  
Amy: Uh, actually it was Sheldon's birthday.  
Mrs. Cooper (after pausing hesitantly): Oh dear God, it was.  
Dr. Hofstadter (snickering rudely): Outstanding. How can any woman forget her son's birthday?  
Mrs. Cooper: Like you should talk. You don't even celebrate!  
Dr. Hofstadter: No, I do not. But I have never forgotten which day Leonard was born...Shame on you, Mary.  
Amy: I feel obligated to point out that for a therapist, you sure don't have any people skills. Haven't you ever listened to your son?  
Leonard: Amy, it's fine, don't.  
Dr. Hofstadter: No, do. Do tell.  
Amy: Leonard wants his birthday to mean something. You're his mother; you should want to acknowledge the day he came into your life.  
(stretch of silence as Leonard and his mother look at one another)  
Mrs. Cooper: You tell her, sister!  
Amy: I'm not too impressed with you either, actually. And as your son's girlfriend, it will be a pleasure to point out why.  
Mrs. Cooper: I'm listening.  
Amy: Birthdays are one of his biggest nightmares. He hates the people, he hates the noise, he hates the mess...And the only joy he can get out of it is when everybody leaves and he gets to clean up.  
Howard: Yeah, your son has a problem...  
Mrs. Cooper: I know. But as you said, I want to acknowledge his life and the day he came into mine...I'm not damaged like she is. (points to Dr. Hofstadter)  
Amy: But Sheldon doesn't want you to acknowledge it. Frankly you and Beverly would be better off swapping sons. And no offense, Mrs. Cooper; but I in fact would rather have Beverly as a mother-in-law.  
Penny: Ugh, that'd kind of make me Sheldon's sister, right?  
Leonard: Yeah.  
Penny (turning to Dr. Hofstadter): Hey - Beverly - do wishes come true?  
Dr. Hofstadter: Only simple ones, like finding ten dollars after losing five.  
Penny: And do alternate worlds or lives exist?  
Dr. Hofstadter: Possibly, but it would be impossible to find them.  
Penny: Thank God.  
Leonard: Well, no, wait a minute. What if zombies can't exist in the universe we thought was ours?  
Amy: This is our universe, you dope, I just screwed it up.  
Beverly: You created those monsters?  
Amy: Yes.  
Beverly (snickering): Well, congratulations; you must be very proud.  
Amy (defensively): Hey, I -  
Beverly: Scientists all over the world have been successful in cloning; but each one of them has failed to bring the dead back to life. And then along comes Amy, and proves to those slackers that in fact it is possible.  
Amy: Oh...  
Beverly: Don't get me wrong, it was a dangerous and stupid, world-ending catastrophe. But if in three-hundred millennia, humans are mutated into existence once again; it will be historic. The name Ferrah-Fowler will be spread worldwide faster than was this disease and you will be famous. Dead for three-thousand years, and nothing more than a pile of dust in the ground someplace; but famous.  
Amy: Gee...I would rather be alive and famous...  
Beverly: Then your next scientific experiment would be to stop this disease.  
Amy: That's not an experiment. I've done it. Don't you remember Claire?  
Beverly: And instead of using this cure, you're lounging around here?  
Amy: I'm saving it, so I can use it on my family. I can't use it sparingly for every person on the planet!  
Mrs. Cooper: Well, call me crazy...But if I saw one of you guys get bitten, and that cure was mine; I wouldn't use it. I would rather have you dead and at peace than alive and suffering.  
Penny: That's insanity!  
Mrs. Cooper: It seems perfectly sane! If I were to have another child, and if that child was to get bit; I would not want to bring him back and make him deal with your mess. I would rather get bit myself so I could see him again.  
(stunned silence)  
Priya: I...agree.  
Howard: Priya!  
Priya: Don't judge me. I'm grieving too much to deal with that right now. Call me on it later but not now.  
Howard: Fine, except we don't know if we have a later. At this moment, now is all we've got. And if that's too complex for you to grasp; then maybe you shouldn't have been a cop.  
Leonard: Howard...  
Priya (to Bernadette): You should've chosen better while you had the chance.  
Bernadette: I'm perfectly happy with my choice!  
Howard: Thank you!  
Bernadette: Shut up.  
(pause)  
Howard: I said I was sorry.  
Bernadette: I heard what you said.  
Penny (silencing them both): Really? You can't take it into another room?  
Bernadette: No...He and I won't be in need of a private room for a long time. (gets up and heads down the hall)  
Mrs. Cooper: My, my. Dear, just what did you say to her?  
Howard: I don't know! She forgave me!  
Penny: Maybe all these zombies are just hard on her.  
Howard (snapping): It's hard on all of us.  
Amy: Will you guys ever forgive me?  
(eerie silence)  
Amy: I know it was my fault, and I'm sorry; but we just need to deal with it...You guys are my whole world. I need you...especially now.  
Howard (making Penny look anxious): Oh...man, are you actually pregnant this time?  
Amy: No. But I could die in the next five minutes.  
Beverly: Well, if it's of any consolation; whether there were zombies or not, you could have died within two seconds.  
Amy: No. That...that doesn't comfort me at all.  
Beverly (leaning in to speak quietly to Leonard): I tried.  
Penny: Howard, do you want me to speak with Bernadette?  
Howard (so quickly he almost interrupts her): No!  
(Everyone stares)  
Howard: I never want you to speak to her again. (follows Bernadette)  
Leonard (confused): What was that about?  
Penny: No clue. I don't care if Howard never speaks to me again...but Bernadette can speak with whoever she wants. He shouldn't try to control that.  
Priya: Agreed. If he wants to reconcile with her, that is not the way to do it.  
Amy: Since when do you care?  
Priya: Since I realized we might not be alive in the following two seconds.  
Sheldon (surprising them all): You just caught on? Boy, Howard was right. She shouldn't have been a cop.  
Penny: How long were you there?  
Sheldon: Just since you were all yammering about alternate universes. And I'm hurt, Penny. I think you'd be a neat sister.  
Penny: Really?  
Sheldon: Yes. Then maybe I wouldn't be so against living in a neighboring apartment. (walks into the kitchen)  
Penny: Yeah...and Missy and I could stay up all night, chatting with your mother...about God...and science...  
Sheldon: Point made, I take it back.  
(Penny smiles)  
Mrs. Cooper: You really want to get into this right now?  
Penny: In fact, I do. Without God, there would only be science and evolution. After all, in the universe before all this happened, there were no zombies; which proves that even God wouldn't try to bring back the dead. They die for a reason.  
(Amy is watching and enjoying the dispute)  
Mrs. Cooper: No, God gave us life. Satan is the one who made death.  
Penny: That's a weak argument, Mrs. Cooper...If no one died; all the terrorists would still be alive. Would God want that for his children?  
Mrs. Cooper (as Sheldon returns with a sandwich): If no one could die, there would be no murders. There would be no terrorists! They'd just be angry. And we would all be sittin' back, relaxing, because there would be none of them people eaters.  
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, Mother, your grammar hurts my ears.  
Penny (ignoring Sheldon): How did YOU give birth to THAT?  
Sheldon: It never hurts to take some extra time and speak correctly. In fact, it is highly uneducational to destroy the English language as if you were an untrained mutt.  
Amy: Ohh, be still my heart...  
Penny: Whatever.  
Sheldon: You can't dismiss an entire language with that!  
Penny: I wasn't dismissing an entire language. I was dismissing you.  
Sheldon: Now you're thinking with a clear mind.  
Penny: Oh, brother.  
Sheldon: Yes?  
Penny: Nothing.  
Sheldon: Then don't say that.  
Penny (looking annoyed): 'Kay, I'm really getting sick of you.  
Howard (from behind her): So go stand outside for a few minutes.  
Penny (looking at him over her shoulder): What? Have you lost your mind?  
Howard: Just saying, it would solve your problem. 'Course, you do have more than one.  
Penny (standing up and approaching him): What the hell does that mean?  
Howard (backing up): Back up! I designed weaponry so back up.  
(Penny stops)  
Leonard: Howard, what's going on?  
Howard (speaking quickly, as he sees Priya trying to leave): Priya told me you were a hooker with ulterior motives for hanging around us.  
Penny: Wh-And you believed her? God, that's...that's just awful.  
Howard: She said your clothes are always slutty, that you slept with Raj, and that you were 'beginning to like' Sheldon!  
Sheldon: Well, of course you do. I have an eidetic memory and a high IQ.  
Penny: Howard, I'm beginning to like all of you. You're my friends; I've known you for years! I...I can't believe you listened to her!  
Howard: Well...in that case...maybe you do need to talk to Bernadette...  
Penny: Oh, God. (begins to walk down the hallway, then stops and turns, coming face-to-face with Priya) Is there a part of your brain missing? How could you? (continues down the hall)  
(Priya and Howard watch her go. When they look back at the others, they see that everyone is watching them)  
Leonard: You think my wife's a slut?  
Howard: Okay, it sounds bad...  
Leonard: It is bad! By questioning Penny, you're questioning me! I thought this little group of people would be the one group who would never do that.  
Sheldon: People are dying, Leonard. Things are changing!  
Leonard: No. People have been dying forever. The only thing changing is how they're coming back. This should be when we pull together, not apart.  
Mrs. Cooper: Ugh, it sounds like a bad love song.  
(Leonard looks discouraged. With no transition, scene becomes next; in which Penny enters the bedroom. Bernadette is sitting on the bed, facing away from her)  
Bernadette: I know you're there.  
(Penny closes the door; and both women are silent for 4 seconds)  
Bernadette: I had to shoot him.  
(Penny sits beside Bernadette)  
Bernadette: I'm a Catholic, I don't do that; and I did it.  
Penny (putting an arm on her shoulder): Well, Howard still loves you, and so does everyone else.  
Bernadette: Priya will never forgive me.  
Penny: You aren't the one who needs forgiveness. You just did what had to be done.  
Bernadette: I appreciate it...But I just want to be alone right now...  
(Penny leaves, shutting the door behind her. Bernadette gets up, walks around the bed and sits on it. She looks down at the bed before pulling the blankets up over her head and leaning against the wall. With no transition, scene becomes next; in which Penny is listening on the other side of the door and can hear her crying. Looking troubled, Penny turns and walks back into the dining room. Amy meets her in the doorway)  
Amy: She okay?  
Penny: Not even close. How's Priya?  
(Amy gives her a "WTF" look)  
Penny: What, I can't even ask?  
Amy: It's strange that you care, that's all. After what she did, why would you even care if she died?  
Penny: Well, the more we have against those things, the better.  
Amy: Who said she would die of a bite? She might get shot, or hit by a car...Who knows?  
Penny: Not you! Damn, woman, have some respect for Raj. That's his sister!  
Soldier (rounding the corner): Okay, I've been on watch for about an hour and I really gotta whiz. (Gives Amy the gun and hurries down the hall)  
Penny: If that thing is so much as pointed at Priya; I will hurt you.  
Amy: You'd hurt me for helping you out?  
Penny: Amy, as much as I hate to say this, we need her. We've already lost three. She is dealing with the loss of her only sibling; and what we don't need is to lose a fourth person.  
Amy: She's not a person!  
Penny: She's more people than they are.  
(eerie silence)  
Amy: Fine...(reluctantly climbs the ladder)  
Penny: Least I hope she is. (walks back to the dining room)  
(Scene fades into next; in which Amy is approaching the end of the rooftop. It is snowing heavily outside. Looking up; Amy sees a bright light moving slowly toward her. Amy picks up the gun with the built-in flashlight, and she turns the flashlight on and off, and on again. Then the plane begins turning and going in another direction)  
Amy (picking up the walkie talkie and speaking into it): Hey. Guys.  
(brief delay)  
Penny (through the walkie talkie): Yeah, Amy.  
Amy: You'll never guess what I just saw.  
(Scene fades into next; in which Bernadette is in the washroom, drying her hands)  
Sheldon (knocking three times): Bernadette? (knocks three times) Bernadette? (knocks three times) Bernadette?  
Bernadette (turning toward the door and knocking a toilet paper roll to the floor): I'll be right out! (picks up the toilet paper roll and throws it away under the sink; then catches sight of the pregnany test in the garbage. She gingerly picks it up. "Camera" shows the positive result at an over-the-shoulder angle. Looking very nervous; Bernadette throws it away and lets herself out)  
Sheldon (squeezing past her): Finally! (closes and locks the door; leaving Bernadette to stand uncertainly in the hallway)  
(commercial break would be here)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Bernadette walks decisively into the bedroom and approaches Penny's bed. She climbs up its ladder and shakes Penny by the leg. Penny opens her eyes and looks at her)  
Bernadette (quietly): We need to talk. Right now.  
(Penny climbs down the ladder and follows Bernadette to the door; but both are stopped by Sheldon's voice)  
Sheldon (rolling over and clutching a pillow in his sleep, looking restless): Amy.  
(Penny looks as if she wants to watch; but Bernadette grabs her hand and pulls her out of the room. They stop in the living room)  
Bernadette: I have a very serious question and I want your honest answer.  
Penny: Okay.  
Bernadette: Are you pregnant?  
(sudden silence, which lasts 5 seconds)  
Penny (as her eyes fill with tears): Don't tell anyone.  
Bernadette: I won't. You will. And don't be stupid...tell Leonard first.  
Penny: Okay.  
(brief pause)  
Bernadette: I don't know what to say. Um...congratulations? Good luck?  
Penny (beginning to cry): I need some air. (grabs a gun and a flashlight. She climbs the ladder and sits at the rooftop. Eight seconds pass and then there is an ominous creaking. Penny turns on the flashlight and points it around the snow-covered property until she shines the light on definite movement, which is inside the bus. Then, all at once, the bus doors open and Claire and Alvin get out of the bus. They look directly at Penny)  
Penny: Claire?  
(Claire and her son are unresponsive; simply turning and beginning to run in one direction with surprisingly human movements)  
Penny (climbing down the ladder): No, stop! Wait!  
(She jumps off the tank and begins to run after them. However, she trips and falls hard. Groaning in pain, she rolls over onto her back and sits up; facing what tripped her. Brushing the snow aside, she sees a hand. Curious, she grabs the cold, lifeless hand and pulls. As Amy is pulled from the snow; she opens her zombie eyes. Penny screams and runs to the tank; crawling to safety just as Amy gets free of the hill of snow and begins walking after her. Scared for her life; Penny climbs up the ladder and sits on the roof. Catching her breath; she shines the flashlight into Amy's face. Shaking in terror, she gets unsteadily to both feet and hurries to the ladder. She climbs down and then collapses at the bottom)  
Bernadette (setting down her plate of food): Penny? Are you okay?  
Penny (sobbing): Get Sheldon.  
(Bernadette leaves the kitchen and goes into the bedroom. She approaches Sheldon's bed and carefully kneels beside it. She shakes him gently by the shoulder)  
Bernadette: Sheldon...  
(no answer)  
Bernadette: Sheldon.  
(still nothing)  
Bernadette (whispering into his ear): Amy.  
Sheldon (stirring and then awakening): Amy? (looks at her empty side of the bed and then faces Bernadette)  
Bernadette: Penny is asking for you.  
Sheldon: Oh dear Lord, when will it end? (gets out of bed and follows Bernadette to the kitchen)  
(Penny wipes her eyes as Bernadette and Sheldon come into the kitchen; standing when Sheldon approaches her. She closes the distance between them, making him shift his weight a little in angst)  
Penny: Sheldon...I have bad news.  
Sheldon (innocent and intrigued): What is it?  
Penny (taking a deep breath): Amy became a...a riser.  
(7 second silence)  
Sheldon: No...  
Penny: I'm sorry, sweetie.  
(3 second pause)  
Sheldon: Are you sure?  
Penny (beginning to cry again): Yes. I'm sure.  
Sheldon: She can't be dead! She's my girlfriend. Cure her!  
Penny: What?  
Sheldon: Cure her! I remember exactly how she told me, so do it.  
Penny: Sheldon - I don't even know if the brain is one piece or not! I can't push a needle through her head!  
Sheldon: The cerebrum makes up eighty-five percent of the human brain; the cerebellum is seven sizes smaller; and the pituitary gland is the size of a pea and it just controls growth. So does that help? Can you cure her now?  
Penny: No...  
Sheldon: You're useless. (grabs Penny's gun) I'll do it myself. (climbs up the ladder)  
Bernadette: I didn't know that about the brain. Now I'm wondering two things: How bad of a microbiologist am I; and do I not have a pituitary gland?  
Penny: I...can't help ya.  
(6 second silence as Bernadette and Penny sit at the table)  
Bernadette: I miss Raj and Amy.  
Penny: Me too.  
(Muffled gunfire can be heard from the rooftop)  
Penny: How am I supposed to raise a baby in this world?  
Bernadette: I don't know.  
(Sheldon walks into the room and looks guiltily at the two women)  
Penny: Did you do it?  
Sheldon: No.  
Bernadette: Did you shoot her?  
Sheldon: The cure doesn't work if you already put a bullet through their brain; of course I didn't. I couldn't...  
Penny: What did you do with her?  
Sheldon (depositing the gun on the table): Nothing more than I already have. I'm going to bed.  
Bernadette: Goodnight.  
(Sheldon leaves without saying it in return)  
Penny: Nothing more than he's already done?  
Bernadette: I don't know. So...when will you tell Leonard you're pregnant?  
Penny: I guess when the time is right.  
Bernadette: No, you need to do it the next time he's awake. You don't know how much time you've got to spare.  
Penny: I know...But what if he rejects the baby?  
Bernadette: He wouldn't do that. Even if he wasn't the father...  
Penny: He is. He's the only guy I've slept with in the past three years.  
Bernadette: Wow! Tell him that tomorrow; it'd make him feel great!  
Penny: I don't think it would. Three years isn't that long.  
Bernadette: It is to him. Besides, any man with a girl like you is flattered by any compliment she gives. I mean, look at me and Howie! I thank him for moving out of his mother's house after a whoppin' thirty years of being her roomie, and he blushed like a schoolgirl.  
Penny: Maybe because it had been thirty years?  
(Both laugh and then go quickly silent)  
Penny: Oh, man, Amy would've loved that.  
Bernadette: What do we do?  
(Penny looks blankly at her)  
Bernadette: She was the only one here who knew what to do with that cure.  
Penny: Oh...Gee, Bernadette, I really...really don't have the answer to that. I just want to try and sleep before it gets light outside.  
Bernadette: It'll never be light again.  
(pause)  
Penny (confused): Just to be clear - we are still talking about dusk and dawn, right? Not light and, y'know, heavy?  
Bernadette: Dusk and dawn.  
Penny: Okay. Good. (grabs the gun and escorts Bernadette to the bedroom)  
Bernadette: Well...see ya in a couple hours, I guess.  
(They pause and then Penny hugs her. There is a short but deafening silence)  
Bernadette: I would be less scared right now if you didn't have that gun.  
(Penny tries not to laugh as she deposits the gun on the dresser and both women get into bed with their husbands. Next scene shows Sheldon wide awake in bed, staring at the empty place beside him. Priya approaches him and speaks quietly...)  
Priya: Sheldon?  
(Sheldon looks up at her)  
Priya: Why are you and the girls so upset?  
(pause)  
Sheldon: Amy died tonight.  
Priya: Oh.  
Sheldon: Yes.  
Priya: I-I'm so sorry.  
(no reply)  
Priya: Um, I feel silly even thinking this, but...did you want some company?  
Sheldon: Of course not. But I think I may need it.  
(Priya settles in beside him)  
Sheldon: For as long as you're conscious, keep your elbows and toes pointed thatta way (points toward the bed closest to Priya and furthest from him). The center of the bed signifies your half and my half; and should you cross that perimeter for a single moment; I will Super Glue your hands together and hang you on a tree; and tell everyone here that I created the Ornamental Bitch.  
Priya (flustered): Anything else?  
Sheldon: Yes. If you hog the blankets, I will tie you up in them. Goodnight. (turns away from her and tries to relax)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Leonard wakes up to a squeaking sound at six-thirty in the morning. He puts on his glasses and follows the noise out into the next room; where Sheldon is cleaning the ladder leading outside)  
Leonard: Sheldon? Are you sleepwalking again?  
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous. I'm cleaning...There's no way I could remain my carefree self in such a filthy environment.  
Leonard: What do you mean, filthy? This place is spotless.  
Sheldon: That's because of me!  
Leonard: Whatever! You woke me up.  
Sheldon: Good! Look how late it is! (gives him a sponge and a bucket of water) Start cleaning.  
Leonard: I thought you just said you made this place spotless.  
Sheldon: For every second you waste not cleaning, more dirt grows; now off you go.  
Leonard (after staring in contempt): I'm going back to bed. (retreats down the hall)  
Sheldon (to self): What a silly man.  
(Next scene shows Leonard walking back into the bedroom. He and Penny spot one another at the same time)  
Penny (meeting him halfway): I need to tell you something.  
Leonard: Can't it wait?  
Penny (following him up the ladder): No, in fact, it can't. It's pretty big.  
Leonard (scooting over): I'm listening, I guess...  
Penny (laying down and pulling up the blankets): I'm not quite sure how to say this...but...we're gonna be parents.  
(Leonard looks over at her, then smiles)  
Leonard (sounding uncertain): That's great.  
Penny: Yeah...it would be...  
Leonard: These military soldiers have been taking safety precautions from day one. They boarded up all the windows and doors and none of them have died -  
Penny: But four of our people have.  
Leonard: Well, whatever. I personally only cared for two of them. Anyway. The baby will be fine.  
Penny: I don't doubt that. But what about us?  
(No answer as she snuggles up next to him. He puts his arm around her)  
Leonard: I don't know.  
Penny: Yeah...I figured.  
(He kisses her head as the scene fades into next; in which it is later that same morning and Howard, Leonard, Penny, Bernadette, Priya and Sheldon are seated in the living room)  
Sheldon: Howard, Leonard...We have some bad news.  
Penny: And some almost-good news.  
Sheldon (looking mildly surprised): Yes. Well. I think it's safe to say that if you tell them the almost-good news first, they will have less than nothing to look forward to.  
Leonard: 'Kay, you first.  
Sheldon (turning his attention back to Howard and Leonard): Amy's dead.  
(Leonard looks at Penny, who is looking down at her hands. Howard releases Bernadette's arm and turns all of his attention to Sheldon)  
Howard: Are you sure?  
(Penny rolls her eyes)  
Sheldon: Yes.  
Howard (after sighing): Good news. Now.  
Penny: Almost-good news.  
Sheldon: Whatever it is, just tell us.  
Penny: Okay, well...Leonard and Bernadette already know this, but...I'm having a baby.  
(Everyone is stunned)  
Penny: I don't know if it'll be a boy or girl. But if it's a girl, I want to name her Amy. Amy Hofstadter. And if it's a boy, I want to name him Alex Ray Hofstadter.  
Leonard: Wow. I wasn't into it until you added the Hofstadter. It sounds so...unnerdy. Like a...boxing champ.  
Penny: Hah. Well, let him grow a little.  
Howard: Wow, a baby...Congratulations!  
Penny: You're overselling it, Howard.  
Howard: Overselling?  
Sheldon: She's stricken with grief because she can't imagine raising a baby in a world as cruel as this one. (looks assertively at Penny)  
Penny: Yeah. That's it.  
(Sheldon beams at Howard)  
Leonard: Well, I'm excited. I can't wait to be a father.  
Priya: Aren't you happy, Penny?  
Penny: I-I don't know...(pauses, then turns to Sheldon) Is this supposed to be a blessing?  
Sheldon (surprised): I don't...I don't know...  
Leonard: Penny, I told you, it'll be fine.  
Penny: Well, go ahead and say whatever you want. It'll be different when the baby's born.  
(brief pause)  
Sheldon: May I change the subject?  
(No one objects)  
Sheldon: We've lost four people. Unless we do something, fast; there won't be anyone left.  
(thick silence)  
Sheldon: I can only see one way out of this situation; which would be to use these weapons of self-defense on ourselves. (everyone is horrified)  
Priya: No way.  
Leonard: Sheldon, you're even crazier than usual!  
Sheldon: Hear me out a minute! If we make a pact, none of us have to go alone - or remain here, for that matter.  
Penny: What about my baby? That's taking a life that never even got to be lived!  
Sheldon: This isn't life! This is prison! And it wouldn't be the death of a baby; it'd be the removal of a fetus. It would feel nothing, and it wouldn't have to live the way we are.  
Leonard: But it wouldn't get the chance to live like we used to.  
(3 second pause)  
Sheldon: This Alex Ray wouldn't have to go to bed each night, wondering if he'll still be alive tomorrow.  
(9 second pause, during which Sheldon picks up a gun and hands it to Penny, who takes it from him)  
Penny (as her eyes fill with tears): Sheldon...  
Sheldon: Put yourself in God's shoes for two seconds. Would you have your child suffer?  
(Penny wipes her eyes)  
Sheldon: Of course not. And there have been the deaths of children - and those who never even left the hospital. We should be thankful we've lived this long; and in this cruel world, more than ready to die.  
(eerie silence)  
Leonard (quietly): Not many people can say they made two pacts. But then again, I won't have said it either.  
(4 second pause; then Penny shifts the gun. The noise seems to bring Sheldon back to the future)  
Sheldon standing slowly): I think the roof would be the best place to do it. I'll wait five minutes for anyone who wants to join me. But only five.  
Bernadette: Sheldon, you're talking crazy.  
Sheldon: I've never been more sane in my life; and anybody who knows me will back me up on that.  
Penny (wiping at her eyes again): Screw it. I'm in. (follows Sheldon)  
Sheldon (stopping and turning back to the four remaining friends): Remember, you have five minutes to change your minds. It's been a dreadfully real honor knowing you. (continues escorting a silent Penny to the rooftop)  
(6 second pause before Bernadette kisses Howard on the cheek; then gets up and walks after them. Another 4 second pause before Priya and Leonard follow Bernadette. Finally, after 5 more seconds of hesitancy, Howard follows Leonard and Priya. Scene fades into next; in which the six friends are assembled on the rooftop, sitting in a circle)  
Priya: I cannot believe what we're doing.  
Leonard (quietly): It's only logical.  
(Sheldon barks his insincere laugh as Howard only smiles)  
Penny (voice trembling): You've all got your guns?  
Sheldon (quietly): Yes.  
Bernadette: I'm shakin' so bad I think I might misfire.  
Mrs. Cooper (as she and Beverly come out onto the roof): What in God's name are you children doin'?  
Sheldon: We're getting ready to end it all. No more suffering...no more zombies...no more running for our lives. (looks up slowly at his mom) Join us, Mother.  
Beverly (watching in disbelief as Mrs. Cooper sits next to her son): I'm ashamed of all of you! Put down those guns.  
(Priya and Sheldon scoot off to the side, making room for her. Beverly quietly sits in the empty place in the circle)  
Beverly (as she and Mrs. Cooper accept their guns): Unbelievable.  
("Camera" shows Penny as she shakily presses the gun to her throat and finds the trigger with an unsteady thumb. She presses down and jumps in shock as the thunderous boom of eight guns firing collectively snap in the air around her. Penny again presses the trigger, beginning to weep quietly when it once again would not fire. She sets the gun down and sobs into her hands as the scene fades slowly to black)


	6. Epilogue

EPILOGUE  
(Scene fades in from black to show Penny's apartment back in Pasadena. Penny is unconscious on the couch. A vicious storm can be seen outside and Leonard is shown then, lighting candles placed throughout her apartment. Suddenly Penny sits up screaming...)  
Leonard (making her look at him): What? What?!  
(Penny stands and shakily makes her way to the window. Peering outside, she sees cars moving and a single pedestrian walking a dog. Penny turns back to Leonard and smiles)  
Penny: Nothing. Just an awful dream.  
Leonard: I should hope so! You've been asleep for almost two days.  
Penny: Two days?!  
Leonard: Yeah. I figured, after you missed work and wouldn't visit, that I better check on you. I kinda thought you were dead. (begins leaving, chuckling quietly)  
Penny: Leonard, stop!  
(He stops. Penny looks around and finally disassembles the plant on her bookshelf. She approaches Leonard, who watches in confusion)  
Penny: This isn't fancy or anything, but you said you wanted flowers. (gets down to one knee, making him stare in realization) Ow, ow, damnit. (smiles up at him) Leonard Hofstadter...  
Leonard: Oh, wow.  
Penny: Will you marry me?  
Leonard: Yes...I will!  
(Penny smiles and stands. They kiss quickly)  
Leonard: Oh, by the way, I'd checked on you yesterday, too; and I didn't mean to snoop, but I saw that you had missed some messages on your phone. Apparently you got the part in a big movie!  
Penny: Rock Bottom?  
Leonard: Yeah!  
Penny: Oh, good, I was hoping they'd call.  
Leonard: They did. And if you still want the part...it's in Calgary! (walks ahead)  
(Penny looks after him in shock before the scene cuts to black)

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ta-daa! The end! I hope you enjoyed it! I just had to add this part, because there was no way I wanted to kill off all these wonderful characters. But I must admit, writing it had me shaky and almost near tears! I hope it had the same effect on you!  
-SilverHawk92._


	7. Alt Epilogue P1

Alternate Epilogue, Part One (Started on 05.24.13 at 12:00 AM; finished on 05.28.13 at 10:45 PM)

* * *  
Author's Note: While I did like The Expiration Malfunction; as always, there were parts I should have done differently, especially in the final chapter. Without further adieu - the new end; or at least, the start of it.  
* * *

(there is a brief silence)  
Sheldon: I can only see one way out of this situation; which would be to use these weapons of self-defense on ourselves. (everyone is horrified)  
Priya: No way.  
Leonard: Sheldon, you're even crazier than usual!  
Sheldon: So in your eyes, this whole mess is sane. All of it - camping out at an army base...Losing Raj, and Amy?  
(Bernadette looks at Howard)  
Sheldon: Allow me the liberty to point out that children and even babies have died. Some frequently go in and out of hospitals - some babies never even get to be taken home. But we have seen twenty plus years of highly rewarding, prestigious success.  
(His friends look shyly proud)  
Sheldon: We have come a long way from what we once were. And while I never thought we would discard of such progress; I would rather succumb to stress than to a poisoned bite mark that came from a lesser being.  
Priya: What about our families?  
Sheldon: Forget about them, Priya...They won't last long.  
Bernadette: How could you say such a thing?  
Sheldon: We re scientists. The words just come.  
Leonard: I believe she was asking how you could be so cruel.  
Bernadette: Exactly.  
Sheldon: There you go with that magic again...  
Leonard: Not at all. I was just wondering the same thing.  
(Howard, Penny, and Priya are actually trying to smile)  
Sheldon: Oh. I wasn't aware of that.  
(another silence)  
Penny: Aren't you gonna say something?  
Sheldon: I just did.  
Penny: Sheldon. How can you be so cruel?  
Sheldon: Think about it. We've done very well in this freakshow; and it s all because we had a neurobiologist in our group. Those other people are doomed.  
Howard: And you think we're not?  
Sheldon: Oh, we are. That's why I suggest we end it now.  
Howard: Sheldon -  
Sheldon: I would rather die beside all of you than die alone.  
(pause)  
Leonard: Penny?  
Penny: Yeah, I'm on it. (grabs Sheldon s arms and pulls them behind him)  
Sheldon (slightly alarmed): What're you doing?  
Penny: As much as it pains me to say it, I'm saving your life.  
Sheldon: As I have said before, this is not life. I cannot believe that you are all choosing this hell over the sweet release of death. Here I was praising you for being prestigious...  
(Penny is non-responsive as she finishes tying him to a chair)  
Sheldon: I will have you know that I am a scientist. I will not be confined to this entrapment.  
Penny: Yeah, you will. (leaves)  
Sheldon: Somebody untie me immediately.  
Leonard: Not for a thousand dollars.  
Sheldon: Two thousand.  
Howard: What would we do with money, Sheldon? It's a free world out there. There are no cops, no bank tellers. There are just unguarded cash machines, vehicles that are worth more than their prices, and every house in the world is first come, first serve.  
Leonard: Yeah, minus all the zombies, it's what everybody dreams of. And lemme tell you, there's nobody here that dreams of untying you.  
Bernadette: Sorry, Sheldon.  
Sheldon: Great. I lost my girlfriend, lost my sister, got stuck here with my mother, and now my colleagues are holding me captive.  
Bernadette: Yeah, life's a bitch.  
Sheldon (as Priya slips out unnoticed): Thank you! My point!  
(The friends look consideringly at one another before the scene becomes the next with no transition; to show Penny standing on the roof. Priya approaches her from behind)  
Penny: I know you're there, Priya. I'm from Nebraska, you can't hide from me.  
Priya: How did you know who it is?  
Penny: Well, Nebraska sure ain't the home of the fighting hens. (looks at Priya) Plus you're the only person who, despite everything, still manages to wear perfume.  
Priya: Well, if I smelled like you, I'd get shot.  
(Penny gives her a lethal expression, but Priya only smiles)  
Priya: Don't piss me off, waitress. I pack heat, you know.  
Penny: As do I. I'm just surprised you pack heat outside the bedroom.  
Priya: What?  
Penny: I don't know, I think I messed up.  
Priya: Wouldn't surprise me...  
Penny: I beg your pardon?  
Priya: Oh, come on, Penny. The only good thing you've done since I've known you is tie up Sheldon. And you only did it because your five-foot boyfriend told you to!  
Penny: He's my fianc . And FYI, he's five-foot five.  
Priya: So...you're his compensation?  
(Penny suddenly whips out her gun and presses it to Priya's head)  
Penny: Any last words?  
(Priya opens her mouth)  
Penny: Oh, but wait. I really don't give a damn. (shoots; then pushes her body off the roof)  
(Priya lands beside the tank. Seconds later, Penny is getting off the ladder and onto the tank. She checks for zombies, then hurries into the bus. She approaches Amy, who's tied up in the back. Penny looks around and smiles in accomplishment as she grabs the walkie-talkie off of one of the seats)  
(next scene shows Howard making one of the beds before Penny's voice comes through the walkie-talkie)  
Penny (through the walkie-talkie): Hey. Somebody put Sheldon on.  
Howard (picking up and speaking into the walkie-talkie): What's up, Penny?  
Penny: I have Amy and I have the cure. Now I need Sheldon.  
Howard: You're going to play with brains?  
Penny: Why not? She's already dead - what more can I do?  
Howard: I don't know if you can do that!  
Penny: It wasn't her time, Howard. Now put Sheldon on.  
Howard: Alright, hang on...(hurries out of the bedroom and into the living room) Sheldon, phone - uh...This thing is for you. (hands it out to him)  
(Sheldon looks helplessly up at him. Howard pushes the button and holds it down)  
Howard: You're on the air with Dr. Sheldon Cooper.  
Penny: Sheldon?  
Sheldon: What do you want, captor?  
Penny: Your eidetic memory. (her following words cause her friends to gather) I'm going to bring Amy back, and I have no idea what I m doing!  
Sheldon: Then don't do it.  
Penny: What is the first step?  
Sheldon: You need to inject it into the cerebellum - one of three places, that is.  
Penny: Okay, stop, what's the cerebellum?  
Sheldon: One moment. (looks at Howard) Turn it off.  
(Howard lets go of the button)  
Sheldon: Now put it on the floor so I know she can't hear me.  
(Howard sighs and puts it down)  
Sheldon (after a brief silence): You need to untie me right now, before she does something stupid. As is her nature.  
Howard: Are you going to kill yourself?  
Sheldon: Not if Amy's getting cured.  
Howard: Fine. But I hate myself already. (unties Sheldon)  
Sheldon (into the walkie-talkie): Just wait, Penny. I'm on my way.  
Penny: Good.  
(Sheldon gives Howard the walkie-talkie and Howard looks at him in confusion)  
Leonard: Keep us updated.  
(Bernadette gives him a gun)  
Sheldon: Thank you.  
Bernadette (whispering): Yeah.  
(Sheldon hurries from the room)  
(next scene shows Penny on the bus. She looks over her shoulder when she hears gunfire, and then Sheldon boards the bus and closes the door. He approaches Penny, but stops dead in his tracks when he sees Amy. His hands begin shaking)  
Penny (watching him): Be careful with that thing, okay?  
(Sheldon ignores her; approaching Amy. He slowly reaches out and touches her face. Penny watches in amazement)  
Sheldon: My poor Amy. My poor, poor - (Amy snarls at him and he jumps back)  
Sheldon (looking down at Penny): That is not my Amy.  
Penny (smiling slightly): We'll get her back, Sheldon.  
Sheldon: Yes. I know. But how long will we have her?  
(Penny is quiet. Sheldon sits beside her and the scene slowly fades out to black.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: There is more. With both life and death, there is always more. Keep your eyes peeled!


	8. Alt Epilogue P2

Alternate Epilogue, Part Two (Started on 05.29.13 at 6:30 PM; finished on 05.29.13 at 8:00 PM)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Leonard climbs down off the tank and approaches Priya's body. He rolls her over, keeping his gun pointed at her head; and then sees the bullet wounds in her forehead)  
Leonard: Oh, God.  
(He gets up and goes into the bus. Penny smiles at him)  
Penny: There's my gangster husband!  
Leonard: Penny, did you shoot Priya?  
(Sheldon looks at her with wide eyes)  
Penny: Yeah. I did. Sheldon, third step?  
Sheldon: The third step requires us to stimulate circulation to the ventromedial hypothalamus.  
(Penny stares)  
Sheldon: I worked with Amy in her lab a few times. Allow me.  
Penny: Permission granted.  
(Sheldon busies himself and Penny turns to Leonard)  
Leonard: Was she bitten?  
Penny: No, she was just pissing me off.  
Leonard: So you shot her...in the head.  
Penny: Yeah.  
Leonard: So now we can revive Raj, but not his sister. Do you understand that? You're...just a killer.  
Sheldon: Allow me to point out that Bernadette shot Raj. Neither of them can be revived.  
Penny (turning back to the shocked Leonard): Why are you getting so upset? Nobody here even likes Priya.  
Leonard: I liked Priya! Raj liked Priya. Are we nobodies?  
Penny: I wouldn't marry a nobody. Leonard: You aren't going to marry ME.  
Penny: Leonard, look, she was speaking ill of you. I didn't like that!  
Leonard: You didn't have to like it; you just had to deal with it.  
Penny: I have enough shit to deal with.  
Leonard: So then walk away! You don't go blowing people's brains out; you leave!  
Penny: I wish I could! But who can walk away from the end of the world?  
Leonard: This has nothing to do with the end of the world! This is about you and her.  
(both Penny and Sheldon look at him in surprised silence)  
Leonard: Just...forget everything, Penny. I can't be with you anymore. Not if you're going to be like this.  
Penny: I don't want things to be like this!  
Leonard: You killed Priya. She wasn't even infected and you took her life. So what the hell do you want? (7 second silence)  
Leonard: You're going to bring a baby into this world. You can't do that.  
(4 second silence)  
Penny: Do you really think I'll last another nine months? You really think the baby will last one day? (gets off bus)  
(Leonard sits quietly beside Sheldon)  
Sheldon: I would say something I think is comforting. But I really don't want to.  
Leonard: That's fine, Sheldon. Just play with your girlfriend's brains.  
Sheldon: Actually, I've been finished since you called Penny a killer. I just found your discussion intriguing.  
Leonard: You were just listening, like some...nosy eavesdropper?  
Sheldon: Not hardly! You knew where I was sitting.  
Leonard (after sighing): So what do you think?  
Sheldon: I think you did everything right.  
Leonard: Really?  
Sheldon: Yes. Penny should be the one tied to the chair.  
Leonard: That might be overdoing it. There is a locking closet. She'll give birth to Alex Ray, I'll take care of him, and we can bring Penny some supper each night. Not even prisoners have it that good.  
Sheldon: Agreed. The prisoners have all died and come back; as we all will eventually.  
Leonard: Well, hopefully, with Amy's cure, we will die, come back, and then come back again.  
Sheldon: You're making this much too complicating, Leonard. And I am not a simple man.  
Leonard: No, you really aren't.  
Sheldon: Thank you. (They get up to their feet and Sheldon follows Leonard out of the bus)  
Sheldon (as they walk toward the tank): So how long should this cure take?  
Leonard: Well, I don't mean to crush your spirits, but it might not even work.  
Sheldon: What do you mean? It worked with...whoever-they-are.  
Leonard: Yes, but that was because Amy cured them. You aren't a neurobiologist.  
Sheldon: No, but my memory is just as exceptionable as was hers. I did specifically to her what she did to them.  
Leonard: Well, then, let's hope it takes half a day.  
Sheldon: I don't know if I can wait that long.  
(Leonard ascends the ladder as Sheldon climbs onto the tank. Leonard sits on the roof and Sheldon quickly joins him, sitting on Leonard's right side)  
Leonard: You know, you've really come a long way from that crazy man cooped up inside his apartment - who orders groceries to the apartment, so he doesn't need to go into a store.  
Sheldon: I must admit, the varieties and choices do make up for its large crowds. Now moving on to a more important topic - Leonard: Yeah?  
Sheldon: Are you mad at Bernadette, now that you know she shot Raj?  
Leonard: Yeah, kinda.  
Sheldon: Kinda mad? Leonard, you have a mind, use it.  
Leonard: Yes I'm mad. Of course I'm mad.  
(Sheldon watches him)  
Leonard: No, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Not even at them.  
Sheldon: So you're mad at...whom, then?  
Leonard: Myself! I...I know what Penny did, and I still love her. Why do I still love her? Sheldon: Maybe, in a psychosomatic sense, you are mad.  
(brief silence)  
Leonard: I suppose it's possible. I think, in a world like ours, anybody could go crazy.  
Sheldon: I wasn't hinting that you are going crazy. I was implying that you had gone crazy long ago.  
Leonard: It's great to know you would stick up for me.  
Penny (from behind): Sheldon, can you excuse us? I need to talk to Leonard.  
Leonard (to Sheldon): Sit down. We have nothing to say.  
Sheldon: Is this one of your fighting moments? Because I would prefer to leave.  
Leonard: No. I have nothing to say to Penny and I have no interest in listening to Penny.  
Penny: But, Leonard, I - Leonard: No interest.  
Penny: Fine. (4 second silence)  
Leonard (quietly, to Sheldon): She still there?  
Sheldon (after looking): Yes.  
(Leonard looks again. Penny is staring out at the mountains, appearing to have frozen)  
Leonard: Penny? You awake?  
(Penny wordlessly points. Sheldon and Leonard both look to their left and catch sight of a plane; moving slowly and silently over the mountains)  
Sheldon: There are others.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: More on the way! 


	9. Alt Epilogue P3

Alternate Epilogue, Part Three (Started on 05.29.13 at 8:15 PM; finished on 05.30.13 at 1:45 AM)

(A few hours later, everybody is in bed. Sheldon, Leonard and Penny all have one bed to themselves; and Howard and Bernadette share a bed between Leonard and Penny. Sheldon is across from Howard and Bernadette. Sheldon is the only one awake. He turns over onto his left side and looks at his sleeping friends)  
Sheldon (muttering to self): How can they sleep...How dare they...  
(Sheldon turns onto his back. However, as he's closing his eyes; he hears a strange noise, followed by a quiet voice. He sits up and looks at his friends; then realizes the voice is outside the bedroom. He kicks off his covers, leaves the bedroom, and tracks the noise down. He is led into the living room; where he discovers that the voice is coming through the walkie-talkie)  
Voice: I don't understand what's happened. (Sheldon slowly reaches down and picks up the walkie-talkie)  
Voice: In fact, there are very few things I remember. I know where I am. I know that I have friends out there somewhere, flying planes. All I want is to be with them again; and if you can hear me, then I need your aid. The sooner, the better. Sheldon (speaking into the walkie-talkie): I saw a plane earlier.  
Voice: Excellent. Do you know where it was headed?  
Sheldon: Yes. It was flying toward Rose Bowl Stadium.  
Voice: That's a little out of their way...Do you think you can help me, so I can get to them?  
Sheldon: I'm really not up to helping a stranger right now. My girlfriend died recently and I'm not over it.  
Voice: I'm so sorry to hear that...Well, do you think you can go to the stadium and see if they're there?  
Sheldon: Hmm...  
Voice: You might not even find them! Please?  
Sheldon: Well...  
Voice: I give you my oath that they won't hurt you. And if they try; they'll be dead.  
Sheldon: Yes, I know that. If they try, I will kill them.  
Voice: So does that mean you're going?  
Sheldon: Yes. I'll go.  
Voice: Oh, thank you so much!  
Sheldon: Your gratitude means nothing to a dead man. (disconnects and goes into the bedroom)  
(Sheldon goes to Howard and Bernadette; shaking them both awake)  
Bernadette: Is it morning already?  
Sheldon: No.  
Howard: Then what do you want?  
Sheldon: We're going on a road trip.  
Howard: What?  
Bernadette: Why?  
Sheldon: Why? Because I communicated with one of the survivors on that plane we saw earlier. (Both sit up)  
Sheldon: Somehow she contacted me. When I spoke with her; she asked if we would go. I said yes.  
Howard: Sheldon, it's four in the morning. The streets are littered with dead pedestrians. Do we have to?  
Sheldon: Yes! Stop being so selfish. We could band together with these people, expand our group, and grow our stash of weapons. We need all the help we can get.  
Howard: Alright...fine...It's the craziest damn thing I've ever heard, but fine...  
(They wake up the others and load up on guns. Bernadette leaves an explanation message to the soldiers and parents and then they leave)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Everybody who remains stands in Rose Bowl Stadium)  
Penny: I think you got played, Sheldon.  
Howard: Yeah, let's get out of here, go back to base and go back to bed.  
Sheldon: I don't understand. She said Rose Bowl Stadium. Is this not it?  
Howard: It is. Let's just go, okay? Nobody's here.  
Sheldon: What about that person over there? (points)  
Bernadette: It's probably just a riser.  
Howard: Let's go, guys.  
Penny: Yeah, I'm cold, tired and pregnant. Homeward.  
(Sheldon ignores everybody, raising his arm to greet the person walking toward them. To their surprise, the person waves in acknowledgement)  
Sheldon (triumphantly): See? Do zombies wave hello? I think not.  
Penny: Fine. You go say hi. Can I wait in the car?  
(Bernadette gives her the keys and follows her out of the stadium while Howard, Sheldon and Leonard walk forward)  
Leonard: You know, I watched a movie once where the zombies had a leader, who taught them how to wield guns and swim. This better not be like that.  
Sheldon: On any other day, I would remind you that the entire concept is fiction. But I can't do that anymore.  
(The three nerdy scientists stop in their tracks; shocked expressions of recognition crossing their faces)  
Alvin: We meet again.  
Sheldon: You're alive.  
Alvin: Yes, I am. And believe me, the other side is not a treat. I was...aware...but the only thing that mattered was eating. I didn't even care what it was.  
(Leonard, Sheldon and Howard make disgusted faces)  
Howard: Aware? How?  
Alvin: I could sense others. The fresher the scent, the more...stimulated...my brain became. Leonard: You remember that?  
Alvin: As does my mother. I believe I speak for every riser out there when I say - shoot me. Shoot me right now.  
Sheldon: Alright...  
Leonard: No, Sheldon, he isn't one of them now. Put that down.  
(Sheldon quietly obliges)  
Howard: So...where's Claire?  
Alvin: In the car.  
Sheldon: The car? (hesitates) ...Did you meet somebody?  
Alvin: No. Why do you ask?  
Sheldon: It's the strangest thing. I was directed here by an anonymous caller. She said you were her friend, and you flew a plane toward here.  
Alvin: I never flew a plane. I've never even been on one.  
(Sheldon looks, confused, at Leonard)  
Leonard: Don't look at me.  
Howard (to Alvin): Okay, well, we're going back to the stadium. You're more than welcome to follow us in your car.  
Alvin: I will tell my mother right now. (watches them leave, then puts a restraining hand on Leonard's shoulder) There's something you must know.  
(Leonard looks)  
Alvin: Once you get the cure...you can't ever go back.  
Leonard: You mean, you can't get infected again?  
Alvin: Yes. That is exactly what I mean.  
(Scene fades into next; in which the two cars pull up against the tanks. Leonard, Howard, Alvin, Claire, Penny, and Bernadette all get out and surround the ladder; each waiting for their turn to climb up it. Sheldon stays in the car, looking down at his lap. When he looks out the window at his friends; he has an unreadable but unnerving expression on his face. Sheldon sighs and puts his head back on the headrest, closing his eyes. Suddenly, Leonard speaks; and Sheldon flinches in surprise, looking quickly at him)  
Leonard: Sheldon? You okay? You're coming, right?  
Sheldon: Yes. Go on ahead. I need to check something.  
Leonard: A wound of some sort?  
Sheldon: I'm not bitten, Leonard. And you know I can't lie to people.  
(brief hesitation)  
Leonard: Good.  
Sheldon: See you inside.  
(Leonard leaves. Sheldon watches as he climbs the ladder and disappears. Then Sheldon gets out, closes the car door and quietly goes into the bus. He closes the door and walks to Amy)  
Sheldon: I know your definition of a relationship differs greatly from mine. But I would like you to know that what we had was more than what I ever had with Christine. It was...You were the only person...(pauses and sighs) I have my regrets; and seeing as how I have failed to bring you back; I'm going to offer my deepest apologies and pay my respects. So, I am so sorry. I would say I now release you...but that has been done, and long before your time. Rest in peace, and know that we all miss you. (pauses, and then turns to leave. He takes six steps, and...)  
Amy (keeping her head down): Sheldon...If I hadn't heard that...if I had been dead still...That alone would have brought me back.  
(Sheldon turns to face her as she lifts her head, meeting his eyes)  
Amy: That was me...on that device. I said all those things because I was waiting for you to recognize my voice...but that didn't happen. And then you said you'd go to the stadium. I was so happy you were willing to do something like that for me that I didn't even stop you. And now you're here - it just doesn't matter. I'm just...happy.  
(Sheldon just looks at her)  
Amy (laughing and crying): Untie me, you fool!  
(Sheldon rushes forward and unties her. She hugs him and he returns the embrace)  
Amy: I've missed you. It was...awareness...  
Sheldon: I know. Alvin explained it already.  
Amy (pulling away): Alvin?  
(3 second silence)  
Sheldon: I have so much to tell you.  
Amy: Good. I love listening.  
Sheldon: You won't like hearing this. Come on.  
(They get off the bus)  
(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(Sheldon, completely unemotional, walks into the living room)  
Howard: There you are! What took you so long?  
Sheldon: I paid my respects to Amy.  
Penny: Sheldon, I am so, so sorry.  
Bernadette: Yeah...you must be really brave, not to show how upset you are.  
Sheldon: Why should I be upset? Everything's fine.  
(Everybody looks oddly at him)  
Leonard (startling Sheldon): How can you say that?  
Howard: Yeah, how heartless can you get? I mean, I knew you were generally, but this...?  
Sheldon: I'm not heartless. (raises his voice) Everything's fine.  
(Everybody looks confused for two seconds before Amy walks in, smiling apologetically at Sheldon)  
Amy: Sorry. I was stretching.  
(stunned silence)  
Amy (grinning at everybody): Hi, guys. Hi, bestie!  
(Penny slowly stands, and then hugs Amy)  
Howard: Am...am I hallucinating...?  
Sheldon: As I said, everything's fine.  
Bernadette: Penny brought - ?  
Penny: I tried to. It was really Sheldon who did it though. He...has a good memory...and he's smart...  
Amy: Oh, you're smart too.  
Penny: Not Sheldon smart. Sheldon: Oh, I'm so flattered!  
Alvin: It's good to see you again. Have some chicken.  
(Amy looks horrified)  
Alvin: I'm just kidding! It's codfish.  
Amy: Good. (serves herself and sits next to Sheldon) So. I heard about Raj and Priya.  
Claire: What about them? Where are they, anyway?  
Sheldon: They can't be revived. They were both shot.  
Claire: Oh, my...That's too bad.  
Mrs. Cooper: It truly is. I liked those kids. Much better than my own.  
Sheldon: Mom!  
(Everybody excluding Sheldon and Amy try to laugh. In the rucus, Amy scoots closer to Sheldon, who only gives her a smile that almost looks normal)  
Penny (silencing all): Amy, look, I'm really glad you're here. Leonard: Yeah, we would've buried all three of you...  
Amy: But?  
Leonard: But the only way Sheldon was going to use a gun was on himself.  
(Amy looks at Sheldon)  
Leonard: And then Penny took his idea into swing and got him back on his feet. Now here you are and...we want to throw a proper funeral for Raj, and for Priya.  
Sheldon: God rest their souls.  
Mrs. Cooper: Amen to that.  
(moment of silence)  
Amy: The idea is lovely. We should do that.  
Leonard: Good. First thing in the morning.  
(no objections)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm aiming for one more chapter before this, both original and alternate, is complete. I must say, this was a fun chapter! 


	10. Alt Epilogue P4 - Final Chapter

Alternate Epilogue, Part Four (Started on 05.30.13 at 9:00 PM; finished on 05.30.13 at 9:45 PM.)

(quick intermission for an animated display of carbon atoms would be here)  
(It is finally morning. The sun is shining; but snow still falls, giving everything a surrealistic haze. Some of the soldiers stand around Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Leonard, Penny and Sheldon; with their backs turned to them, so they can protect the grave diggers from zombies. Howard and Leonard are each digging an oblong hole in the ground; placed side by side. Finally, Howard stops shoveling the dirt and steps back)  
Howard: This one is ready. Leonard?  
Leonard: Just about.  
(9 second silence, filled only by the sound of a shovel hitting ground, and then dirt hitting dirt; until, finally...)  
Leonard: Okay. Done.  
Sheldon: Good, let's get this over with.  
(The friends stand back as some other soldiers place the tombstones into the holes. Then they who had placed the graves leave. Then there is a sudden and wrongful silence)  
Penny: Somebody should probably say something.  
Amy: There are no words. I mean, really, what...what can be said?  
(Everybody looks at Sheldon)  
Sheldon: I don't suppose that was good enough.  
Leonard: No. It's not.  
(2 second silence)  
Howard: Really, no words will ever be good enough. They were young, and their lives were promising...(pauses, and everybody waits expectantly; but Howard just stops and shakes his head)  
Sheldon: Allow me. (All eyes go to him)  
Sheldon: The two dearly departed siblings, laying before us in the rich soil of Mother Nature, are gone now from our lives. However, they are both still with us, in ways that are both conceivable and insubstantial. They are all around us, as energy; and in our hearts, as reminiscence. One day our matter will also convert to energy; and we will see them again, henceforward.  
(eerie silence)  
Sheldon: May they both rest in peace.  
(Respective moment of silence; after which the six remaining friends go indoors.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The end! I'm finished! And try to imagine Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Leonard, Penny and Sheldon walking inside, carrying shovels, and escorted by a bunch of gun-wielding soldiers; all the while playing the instrumental for "Living Dead Girl". So awesome, in a scary and sad way.  
Also, I would just like to thank everybody who has followed, Favorited, and/or commented on my story. Your feedback is much appreciated. 


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